Category Archives: Postpartum

Bonding With Your Baby

The Importance of Attachment to Your Newborn, by Meri Levy, MFT.

Most new mothers face a number of fears as they look forward to welcoming their first child. Will they be “ready” when the baby comes? Will they have everything they need? Will the birth go smoothly, without too much pain? Will the baby be healthy? Will they know how to care for their new child?

But the process of bonding with a new baby is rarely considered. Of course you will love your new baby. Of course you will feel attached, and be able to relate to your own flesh and blood.

What is bonding?

Bonding is the process of attachment which, when everything goes smoothly, creates a symbiotic relationship between mother and baby. The mother feels a loving bond with her baby and feels capable of meeting her baby’s needs. The mother’s hormones (aided by breastfeeding in the best case), combined with the babies reflexive response to soothing by the mother, help the two form a positive attachment. Add in a good dose of mother/infant physical and eye contact and the bond between mother and baby are virtually guaranteed, in the absence of other barriers.

What can cause bonding difficulties?

Sometimes the process of bonding doesn’t go as smoothly as expected. There are many factors that can contribute to a new mom having difficulty bonding with her baby. Among others, these include:

  • A traumatic birth experience and/or a difficult recovery
  • A colicky or fussy baby who is difficult to care for or soothe
  • Feeding difficulties
  • Separation from the baby associated with medical interventions
  • A lack of support for the new mother, causing feelings of being overwhelmed or unable to cope.
  • Perinatal depression or anxiety, which can also be correlated with the other factors

Sometimes, a combination of these or other variables can cause a new mom to feel disconnected from her baby. She may feel unable to calm her baby, like the baby isn’t really “hers,” or that she is a bad mother.

Early intervention in the case of bonding difficulties can have a dramatic effect on the well-being of both the baby and the mother. Prolonged failure to bond can be associated with attachment-related mental health problems in the developing child, as well as a sense of failure by the mother. Getting help early on to recover physically and mentally from birth, addressing feeding and calming difficulties, maintaining close physical contact between the baby and mother, and addressing other barriers to bonding can have a huge impact on the lifelong relationship between mother and child.

Self-Care for New Parents

The Importance of Taking as Good Care of Yourself as You Do Your Baby

By Meri Levy, MFT

This is a topic that I cover regularly in my new parent support groups, because it is so important to remember as a new mom or dad. It is easy to feel that the needs of your new baby, and even your partner, outweigh your responsibility to take good care of yourself. But this is a dangerous trap, because you are only as good a parent as you are nurtured as a human being.

This is not meant to be a guilt trip about getting your nails done or taking time to work out. The whole idea of nurturing yourself is about minimizing the avoidable “shoulds.” You don’t want anything about your own self-care to feel like an obligation. Pick ways to take care of yourself that you look forward to, and that fill your cup. It could be as simple as a long, hot shower with the music turned up high (while someone you trust minds the baby). Or taking an hour at Starbucks to read the paper over coffee while your partner has some baby bonding time.

Each of us as parents needs to listen to the voice inside of ourself that tells us when we’ve reached our limit. Parenting with heart requires living with heart, which is only possible if you feed your own spirit and body, and set appropriate boundaries to prevent building up resentment.

The Importance of Attachment

Why Bonding with Your Baby Matters So Much

By Meri Levy, MFT

Attachment to one or more caring adults is the most important developmental task your baby will complete during the first three years of life. If this attachment is not achieved, a child will likely have lifelong problems in forming relationships.

Luckily, babies are very good at teaching us how to help them become attached. Their cries, their coos and smiles, and later separation anxiety help us to see how much our children want to be attached to us. Meeting a baby’s early attachment needs is what allows him to venture forth into the world and learn to be a separate human being, secure in the knowledge that he is loved and cared for.

Our attachment to our children is what causes the anxiety and worry about being a good parent and the drive to maintain our baby’s well-being. If a couple is arguing about the best way to care for their baby, it is a sure sign that they both are firmly attached to their baby, which is a good thing.

Attachment with your baby can bring up different feelings in different people. It can feel stifling or overwhelming, or is may be blissful and heart-warming, depending upon your own feelings about attachment. It’s helpful to be aware of these feelings and to recognize that by staying connected in a responsive way to your baby, you help him or her develop the ability to love others and nurture their own children when they grow up.

Our attachments to loved ones, including family, spouses and friends, are the fuel that helps us nurture our children. Make sure you don’t neglect your own attachment needs now that you’re a parent. If you are having difficulties in your adult relationships, focus more attention on those connections. Making your relationships with loved ones strong, and getting coaching or counseling if needed, can help maintain your own mental health and well-being as well as the well-being of your children as they grow.

Why Wear Your Baby?

By Meri Levy, MFT, CLE

Increasing numbers of parents are discovering the joys of “babywearing,” using slings, pouches, wraps and other carriers. How does wearing your baby benefit both baby and caregiver?

Promotes Bonding

Wearing your baby encourages attachment, which is crucial to your baby’s emotional development. Keeping baby close encourages communication between baby and caregivers, and results in a greater sense of trust and security for your baby. Keeping baby close also encourages frequent breastfeeding, which improves the chances of breastfeeding success.

Reduces Crying and Colic

Many studies have shown that babies that are carried more, cry less. Whether your baby is colicky, fussy, or just cranky sometimes, frequent carrying in arms or in a carrier ensures less crying and a more comfortable baby.

Reduces Physical Strain and Allows Freedom of Movement

Using a carrier distributes your baby’s weight better, giving your arms a rest. For parents with carpal tunnel or tendinitis, this is much easier on the arms. And the benefits increase as baby gets older and heavier.

Carriers also allow freedom of movement and the ability to use your hands for something other than carrying your baby. Having a baby may mean feeling like nothing gets done, but having a hand free can mean getting a little more done, while keeping baby happy.

For more information on babywearing, visit the following sites:

www.TheBabyWearer.com

www.mothering.com

www.WearYourBaby.com

Handling Unwanted Advice

One of the biggest challenges facing new parents is the deluge of advice forthcoming from parents, friends, and everyone who’s ever had a child, or has even observed a child once or twice.

We’ve all experienced it:

  • “You really have to stop picking him up whenever he cries, or you’re going to spoil him.”
  • “She’s hungry: maybe you don’t make enough milk. Why don’t you give her a bottle and see if she takes it?”
  • “He’s not dressed warmly enough. When my babies were small, I always made sure they had on three layers of clothing.” etc., etc.

How do you these often unwanted intrusions make you feel? For many new parents, unsolicited advice makes them angry. You have no doubt made your decisions about how to care for your baby very carefully, and it is upsetting to have another person second-guessing your decisions. It can also make you feel uncertain about your own decisions, or hurt because you see another person doubting your parenting ability.

Don’t Take it Personally

It is important to recognize that most people who offer advice do not intend to hurt your feelings or make you angry. They are only trying to help. They probably truly believe that taking their advice will benefit you and/or your baby. So take a deep breath, and try not to take it personally. It’s not about you.

That being said, you do not owe it to anybody to listen too carefully to their unsolicited advice. You have many resources available to you to make parenting decisions. You most likely have already considered the point of view they are expressing, and have decided after careful consideration to do things differently. This is your baby. You are the parent, and you are the decision-maker when it comes to parenting your baby.

Distinguish Between Advice-Givers

So, how to respond? Well, it depends upon who is giving the advice.

If the advice-giver is someone you don’t have an intimate relationship with: the dry-cleaner, the clerk at Starbucks, etc., don’t feel you have to respond by justifying yourself or getting into an involved discussion. If you are rude to the person, however, you’re going to be left with a sour feeling, so keep it as positive as possible. A smile and a “thanks for your input” can end the conversion quickly. Remember, it’s not your job to educate the masses or your responsibility to justify yourself.

If you do find yourself in the midst of a debate in this situation, you can end it with “I guess I just have to figure it out by myself.”

It’s more complicated, of course, when you’re talking about your mother or mother-in-law, your best friend, etc. In these cases, it often helps to remind yourself of the good qualities of this person. They probably just want to help you out, however misguided their advice. And even if you disagree completely with the advice-giver, try to see if you can see the issue from their point of view. Many of our mothers were discouraged from breast-feeding or holding the baby all the time. Perhaps your approach makes them feel their mothering was inadequate. They believe they did the right thing, so it may be hard to see you doing it differently. They have developed opinions from other sources, without considering the information you have. So, if unwanted advice is ongoing, you may want to ask questions to understand their point of view and gain a better perspective.

Sometimes it helps to share articles or portions of books you’ve read, to help the advice-giver understand that attitudes and expert opinion has changed on many of these practices. This is one way to help them understand that you are not merely rejecting their approach out-of-hand.

Be Confident and Keep Your Boundaries Clear

Bottom line, you are the parent here. It is often hard to feel confident about your parenting abilities when this is your first baby. But you are undoubtedly doing a wonderful, thoughtful job of it. And while your opinions and attitudes may evolve over time, you must at all times do what you feel is right for you and your baby. Having full confidence in yourself and your decisions is especially important when you’re responding to advice from others.

Keep your boundaries clear. Do not feel you need to engage in debates, arguments, discussions, etc. with advice-givers. You do not have to justify your opinion, because you are the parent of your baby. If you are interested in what they have to say, ask them about it, without defending or justifying your own point of view.

If you really want the person to understand your approach, explain your perspective briefly, and acknowledge that there are many “right” ways care for a baby. Let them know that you have chosen yours for a reason. But don’t expect to be able to convince others that you are right. They are entitled to their point of view, and you will drive yourself crazy if you try to get their approval. If you want some affirmation, talk to a like-minded friend (or your mom’s group!) instead.

To end this kind of discussion, it sometimes helps to say: “I love you and really appreciate your input, but we need to make our own decisions about what is right for our baby. I’ll let you know when we need some advice.” And believe it or not, you may just want help or advice from this person when it comes to teething, baby-proofing, toilet-training, etc., so don’t knock those advice-givers completely!