Why Parents Should Nurture the Child Within, Too

Young woman on swing
Young woman on swing

Becoming a parent brings out so many new qualities in each of us. We learn to nurture selflessly. We learn patience and empathy. We learn to read the cues of our new child and how to meet their needs as best we can. It is an opportunity for growth like no other in our lifetime.

However, as we learn to give love and care to our child, many of us also begin to face the reality that we were not nurtured in certain ways in our own childhood. As we provide a loving mirror to our child, reflecting back a positive and validating image, we may become aware that we were not mirrored in a loving way ourselves. Perhaps we were shamed for certain qualities, or silenced when we voiced our truth, or in other ways shown that we were “not OK” the way we were.

Many of us have internalized shaming and dismissive attitudes directed at us as young children. We may not even realize that we continue the pattern by shaming ourselves. The child part within each of us, which is our source of joy, passion and creativity is often stifled by our own inner shame. Our need for validation, love and nurturing are easily dismissed as “selfish” or “needy,” as we tell ourselves that we “shouldn’t” need the things the child inside craves. The things we most enjoy and that give us pleasure are easily lost as we focus our attention on practical realities and the needs of others, especially our children and our partner.

This pattern of self-neglect fosters depression and chronic physical symptoms. The child inside us loses hope that he or she will ever experience joy and fulfillment. Or the child gets angry at being neglected and acts out, causing us to be resentful, irritable, or develop symptoms (anxiety or somatic complaints) that tell us that all is not well in our inner world.  

This is how I understand my own struggle with anxiety and depression as a mother raising my children. When I lost touch with the child inside me, as it is so easy to do while raising children, my anxiety mounted. If I continued to be what I believed a “good mother” was (e.g. selfless, endlessly patient and focused on the needs of others), the result was depression, painful physical ailments, overeating, and other self-destructive patterns. What I came to discover was that by focusing my attention inward and creating a loving dialog between my inner parent self and my inner child, I was able to heal those childhood wounds and feel a sense of balance and wholeness. 

Some clients of mine find that they can identify a clear inner parent and inner child voice. But for those who find it more difficult, an exercise can be useful where one can communicate in the parent voice by writing with the dominant hand and can reply as the inner child by writing with the non-dominant hand. It is amazing how easy it is to access the child part of myself when struggling to write with my left hand! 

You can start a dialog by asking “how are you doing?” or “how can I take care of you today?” or “what are you needing from me?” Some will find that the child inside them is quite angry and distrustful of the inner parent for having neglected them for so long. But you can overcome this distrust by being a persistent, loving parent, and reassuring the child that you are there for them, that you will not leave them alone again, and that you love them just the way they are.

This exercise will allow you to begin a conversation that can allow you to experience a corrective emotional experience, which can heal your heart in a very deep way. You can also learn how to create a balance between the needs of others and the needs of this tender part of yourself which will allow you to live a more authentic, joyful life.

The Mindful Parent: Learning How to Let Go

balloons

There are so many things we benefit from learning to let go of as parents — comparing our child or our home to others’, expecting our child to become the exact person we imagined, attempting to be a perfect housekeeper/caregiver/playmate/chef/lover (insert unrealistic expectation here), and on some days, even expecting to take a shower!

How do we do it? Often I hear from clients that this is one of the most difficult parts of being a parent — letting go of control and the need for things to be perfect. We hold on so tightly, imagining that this holding on is the only thing keeping everything from falling apart, or keeping us from falling apart. And yet it is often this unrealistic desire for control that causes us (and then inevitably, things) to fall apart.

What it comes down to, in my view, is the belief that we live in a friendly universe. Whether it’s objectively true or not is irrelevant. We benefit from cultivating the belief that things are OK. That we and the people we love are OK. That even when things are not OK, it’s still OK.

Our need for control is rooted in a fear that is far greater than the things we fear. We imagine that if we don’t clean up the house, not only will the house be messy, but it feels like the world will end. We fear that if we don’t wash our child’s hands, not only may she get sick, but we won’t be able to cope. If our child falls behind in development, we imagine not just a delay, but a ruined future. Often, the worst thing that can happen is far less terrible than the tragedy we imagine will happen if we loosen our grip.

Cultivating mindfulness is a wonderful strategy for learning to let go. Being able to notice and observe what is happening in the present moment—our body sensations, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and surroundings—without analyzing or judging them as good or bad, helps us tap into the feeling that things are OK. It’s easy to find five-minute mindfulness exercises online that are a good first step toward developing the ability to be present and aware of the thoughts and beliefs that pull us away from acceptance.

When practicing mindfulness, you will have thoughts that come and go. Sometimes you’ll think, “I’m not doing this right,” or get caught up in whatever arises. Observing your thoughts without judgment is the practice. Imagine your thoughts as leaves floating along the surface of a stream. Even if one catches your attention, it keeps drifting by, and you can return to noticing what is happening within and around you. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions without labeling them as good or bad allows them to move through you and pass in their own time.

In daily life, the ability to be mindful strengthens the ability to let go. When you get caught up in “shoulds,” or find yourself trying to control things you truly want to release, imagine your thoughts as a train passing by. You can watch the train, but you don’t have to get on. Not boarding the train means not believing every thought, not analyzing it, not judging it, and not spiraling into conclusions like “this thought is going to ruin my day.” Let the train pass and notice the scenery around you. What you notice in the moment—however challenging—is really OK.

Letting go doesn’t mean lowering your standards or giving up on what matters. It means trusting that you don’t have to hold everything together by sheer force. It means remembering that your child doesn’t need a perfect parent—just a present, human one. Each moment you loosen your grip, even slightly, you make space for ease, joy, humor, creativity, and connection. You make space for the life you’re building with your child to unfold naturally, with room for surprises and moments of grace.

Letting go isn’t a loss of control; it’s a quiet gain of freedom. And you deserve that freedom every bit as much as your child deserves your love.

Chronic Pain is Surprisingly Treatable – When Patients Focus on the Brain

A recent study, published in JAMA Psychiatry, demonstrated that a novel psychotherapy technique, Pain Reprocessing Therapy (PRT) is highly effective at reducing or completely eliminating chronic back pain (average duration 11 years). Find out more about this study in this Washington Post article, or read the original medical journal article here. Another study shows the benefits of a similar form of psychological treatment for chronic pain here. I am trained in PRT and have found it to be very helpful for clients with chronic pain, as well as other stress-related symptoms such as migraine, vertigo, nausea, TMJ dysfunction, tinnitus, interstitial cystitis and irritable bowel syndrome,

Take a test to see if your chronic pain is likely treatable using a mind-body approach

Perinatal Mental Health and Perfectionism

canstockphoto10868712

You’ve read the books. You’ve prepared the nursery. You’ve heard about Postpartum Depression—even if you may not see yourself as someone who’s likely to experience it. The commonly known risk factors for Perinatal Depression and other perinatal mental health disorders include:

  • A previous episode of depression or anxiety (especially during pregnancy)

  • A recent loss or major stressor, such as financial or health challenges

  • Lack of social support or relationship difficulties

  • A complicated pregnancy or birth, or breastfeeding challenges

Many of the clients I work with can check several of these boxes, and having one or two doesn’t guarantee you’ll struggle emotionally after birth. But there’s another risk factor that’s harder to measure—one that isn’t about what has happened to you, but about how you relate to yourself and the world.

Research shows that perfectionism and related personality traits can significantly increase the risk of postpartum depression. In particular, new parents who struggle the most with making mistakes are about four times more likely to experience postpartum emotional challenges. Also at higher risk are those who naturally prefer order, clarity, and control. This makes intuitive sense. Becoming a parent is the ultimate beginner’s role—messy, unpredictable, and often undertaken on very little sleep. If uncertainty or imperfection has always been hard for you, new parenthood can feel especially overwhelming.

In my practice, many of the new parents who struggle most aren’t just perfectionistic—they’re also used to taking responsibility for everyone else’s feelings and needs. That may work—barely—before a baby arrives. But a newborn instantly multiplies the emotional load. Babies cry. They will cry no matter how devoted, attentive, or skillful you are. And the more pressure you put on yourself to be a flawless parent, the more strained your energy and relationships can become. It’s a setup for stress, anxiety, and depression.

This is why learning to let go of perfection—in small, practical ways—can be powerful preparation for parenthood. Let the dishes wait a few hours. Run out of clean socks once in a while. Burn the rice because you got lost in a great article. Notice what’s going well instead of what could be better. Enjoy the sunshine in your half-landscaped yard. Allow people to be disappointed on occasion—after all, they disappoint you sometimes too. Practicing being good enough is not just healthy; it’s the foundation of sustainable, compassionate parenting.

If the idea of leaving a dish in the sink feels impossible, consider trying mindfulness practices or guided exercises. Mindfulness can help you accept what’s happening in the moment instead of feeling responsible for fixing everything. And you might benefit from support with a warm, understanding therapist (bonus points if their desk is a little messy). Learning to release some of the pressure you’ve carried for years is an investment in your well-being—and in the emotional health of your growing family.

Need Support? PSI is there to help!

Postpartum Support International is now offering even more online support meetings for pregnant and postpartum moms isolated at home. Check out the link below to find out more or to sign up.

https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/

Take a test to see if you have Prenatal or Postpartum Depression

How Not to Say the Wrong Thing

A friend posted this, and I have to share it. We all know how easy it is to say the wrong thing when someone’s ill or in a crisis. Some otherwise caring people avoid connecting with loved ones during those times simply because they don’t know what to do or say. This article is a simple “how to” for providing support to those in need without making things worse. A Must-Read! http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407