Category Archives: Self Care for Parents

Empowering Mind-Body Healing for Women

A supportive, empowering message to women who have had their pain and symptoms dismissed for far too long.

For generations, possibly since the advent of modern medicine, women’s health concerns have been minimized, misunderstood, or dismissed outright. Women have been labeled “hysterical,” “dramatic,” or “too sensitive” when they were suffering with very real physical conditions. Many of us have been told our symptoms are “all in our heads,” that we’re overreacting, and that we simply need to calm down or push through. Or to “just get over it.”

Given that history, it is completely understandable that the idea of mind–body healing can feel uncomfortable or even insulting. For many women, it appears to echo the same harmful messages we’ve heard their whole lives: “You’re imagining it.” “It’s your fault.” “Just get over it.” That’s the opposite of what women deserve. 

Women are not “more emotional.” We are more burdened.

Women experience higher rates of chronic pain, autoimmune illness, migraines, IBS, fatigue disorders, anxiety, and other stress-related conditions—not because we are weaker or more fragile–in fact, just the opposite! It is very likely that these conditions impact women more because we often carry more:

  • Caregiving responsibilities
  • Emotional labor at home and at work
  • Discrimination and microaggressions
  • Financial and workplace instability
  • Exposure to trauma and unsafe relationships
  • Pressure to be accommodating, calm, kind, and self-sacrificing

Women are often expected to perform at work as if we don’t have families, and at home as if we don’t have jobs. We are trained to consider others’ needs before their own. We are told to smile through pain and stay “pleasant,” no matter what we’re carrying. A body under those conditions will eventually speak up. Often through pain or symptoms.

When symptoms are neuroplastic, they’re not imaginary

Pain or symptoms that are created or maintained by the brain are not “made up,” “in your head,” or less legitimate or impactful. It simply means the nervous system has become overwhelmed and has created the symptom as an act of self-protection. The brain is incredibly powerful, and it can create real: 

  • pain
  • inflammation
  • skin conditions
  • digestive issues
  • dizziness
  • fatigue
  • nausea
  • sensitivities to foods, sounds, light and chemicals
  • sensations of numbness, tingling, itching and burning, and others

Not with willpower. Not with “pushing through.” Not with being a “good patient.” Not with pretending you’re fine. But with approaches that calm and retrain the brain, address stress and overwhelm, restore agency, and bring your system back into balance.

Why women often hesitate to embrace mind–body neuroplastic treatments:

Women have excellent reasons to be cautious. We’ve often been dismissed by providers or been given answers and treatments that were not helpful or that made things worse. We’re often told that our symptoms are due to stress without receiving support to address the root cause. We’ve lacked adequate care, support, or time to heal. We haven’t had our suffering taken seriously.

So when someone says, “Your pain may be neuroplastic,” many women understandably hear: “You’re imagining it,” or “It’s up to you to fix it alone.” But in truth, neuroplastic healing is one of the most validating approaches available, because it says: “Your symptoms are real, your suffering is legitimate, and your healing matters.”

Mind–body healing is not self-blame — it is self-restoration.

Neuroplastic treatments do not ask women to ignore structural medical issues that need treatment, and they are not based on the idea that pain or discomfort is “all in your head.” What mind-body healing does do is empower women with tools that have been proven to reduce or eliminate chronic pain and other symptoms by addressing the overloaded nervous systems that so many women live with every day.

Healing happens through:

  • Learning to feel safe in your body again
  • Setting boundaries where life has demanded too much
  • Addressing perfectionistic or self-sacrificial patterns that make life difficult
  • Giving yourself the compassion you rarely receive from others
  • Processing emotions you’ve had to suppress to survive
  • Reclaiming agency over your health and wellbeing

It is about restoring your sense of safety and learning to live in a way that allows you to feel your feelings, prioritize your well-being, and live in a more authentic way. Living more authentically allows your nervous system to thrive and allows you to engage with life in a more joyful way. 

You deserve a healing path that sees the whole you

Mind–body healing is not a message that something is wrong with you. It is a message that you’ve likely carried too much, and it’s taken a toll on your well-being. Your symptoms — painful, frustrating, frightening as they are — are your body’s way of saying: “I’ve been carrying too much for too long.” “I need care just as much as I give it.” “I deserve safety, rest, and support.” You deserve to feel fully supported as you reclaim your health, your agency, and your well-being.

If you’d like to schedule a consultation to discuss the symptoms you’re experiencing, contact me, or schedule an appointment.

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Real Nervous System Regulation

It isn’t Always About “Calming Down”

There’s a lot of talk these days about the importance of “nervous system regulation.” We often hear that when the body is in fight-or-flight mode, the brain interprets danger signals and may create physical symptoms or anxiety as a protective response. This is true—but it’s only part of the story.

What often gets overlooked is that nervous system regulation doesn’t always happen directly. We can’t always breathe, meditate, or stretch our way out of fight-or-flight, especially if our bodies are sounding an alarm for a real and valid reason. Sometimes the issue isn’t that we don’t know how to calm down—it’s that something in our lives is keeping us stuck in a state of tension.

So instead of asking, “How do I calm my nervous system?” it can be more helpful to ask: “Why is is my nervous system activated in the first place?”

Our bodies don’t sound alarms for no reason. A dysregulated nervous system is often trying to tell us something. Here are some of the deeper, underlying causes that can keep a person stuck in chronic vigilance:

Emotional and Psychological Roots of Dysregulation

  • Perfectionism rooted in a belief that you’re never “good enough.”
  • Unprocessed emotions such as grief, anger, sadness, loneliness, or hurt.
  • Unresolved trauma or childhood neglect that created lasting beliefs of being unsafe or uncared for.
  • Lack of emotional safety in current work or relationship environments.
  • Growing up in chaos or unpredictability, leading to long-standing hypervigilance.
  • Internalized pressure to have no needs, resulting in people-pleasing, overfunctioning, or self-abandonment.

When these patterns are present, nervous system activation makes sense. It is trying to protect you from situations that echo past danger—or from present circumstances that feel overwhelming or unsustainable.

Why Regulation Techniques Aren’t Always Enough

Breathing exercises, grounding skills, or mindfulness practices can absolutely be helpful tools. They can settle your system in moments when you’re not actively being triggered. They can create space, reduce intensity, and help you reconnect with your body.

But expecting these techniques to fully resolve dysregulation—without addressing the underlying causes—is like turning down the volume on a fire alarm without checking for fire and then putting the fire out.

Often, true nervous system calming comes from the deeper work of changing behavioral patterns, relationships, environments, or beliefs that continually activate your stress response.

The Real Work of Re-Regulating Your Nervous System

Real inner calm grows from actions that are less about soothing and more about changing the conditions that keep your system overwhelmed. That might include:

  • Advocating for yourself in relationships or at work.
  • Tolerating healthy conflict and learning that it can be safe, instead of avoiding it.
  • Allowing yourself to feel grief, anger, sadness, or loss rather than pushing those emotions away.
  • Setting and honoring boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable.
  • Addressing unhealthy or one-sided relationships, including the possibility of ending them.
  • Letting go of “shoulds” and making important decisions based on self-respect and your values, not pressure or fear.
  • Processing trauma so that your body can finally register that the danger is over.
  • Releasing the belief that your job is to keep everyone else happy at the cost of your own well-being.

These aren’t quick fixes. They are forms of emotional labor, self-advocacy, and true inner healing that change the very reasons the nervous system goes into fight-or-flight in the first place.

When the Body Isn’t Calm, There’s Usually a Reason

When you’re not feeling relaxed or grounded, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing anything wrong. There may be a valid, very human reason that your system is activated. Your nervous system may be trying to say:

“Something in your life needs attention.”

Sometimes the most powerful nervous system regulation isn’t a technique—it’s a boundary.
Or an honest conversation.
Or letting yourself cry.
Or finally telling the truth about what hurts.
Or choosing yourself in a situation where you’ve habitually chosen everyone else.

Inner Calm Comes From Alignment, Not Perfection

Ultimately, nervous system regulation is less about mastering calming practices and more about aligning your life with your needs, your values, and your emotional truth.

When you feel safe to be yourself, safe to have needs, and safe to feel your feelings, your nervous system naturally settles.
Not because you forced it to—
but because it no longer has to protect you from things you are ignoring.

If you’d like help to achieve more calm in your nervous system, I’d be honored to help you. Contact Me, Or Schedule an appointment.

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Coping with Anxiety Using Mindfulness

anxiety

You know the feeling when it starts: an unpleasant burning in your chest or abdomen, a feeling of cold on the back of your neck, tingling in your arms, or tightness in the back of your throat. Anxiety is a physical phenomenon.

Many of us are unaware of the specific physical sensations associated with our anxiety, but it sends a signal to our brain that we are in danger. On its own, anxiety tends to pass quickly and without much ado. It is the way we attribute meaning to the sensations in our body that causes anxiety to feel unbearable and to stick around. We interpret our anxiety as being “out of control.” We look to our environment or our thoughts for signals that we really are in danger, either physically or emotionally. And we beat ourselves up for feeling anxious, telling ourselves “What is wrong with me?” “Why can’t I feel calm?” And even worse, “I can’t tolerate feeling this way.”

But in reality, we can tolerate anxiety. By tolerating it and observing, without fear, and without judgment, its physical manifestations, we rob it of its power over us. And over time, anxiety will diminish if we refuse to escalate it by letting it take over our thoughts and our decisions. The quickest path to diminishing anxiety is to accept it and not to catastrophize about it or let it make our lives smaller.

Mindfulness is one of the most powerful tools for coping with and transforming anxiety. While it may feel like WE ARE anxious, bringing awareness to our body and choosing to focus on the specific physical sensations we are experiencing allows us to see that we are the observer of anxiety, not its victim. We can choose to halt self-defeating thoughts by returning awareness to our body and reminding ourselves “Anxiety cannot hurt me. It is only a feeling, and it is temporary. I am in control of myself. I can choose to be aware of the anxiety without letting it take over my thoughts.”

Practice doing mindfulness exercises such as this one when you are not feeling particularly anxious, as a way of being ready for anxiety when it comes. Learning to focus your full attention on your body rather than your thoughts takes some practice, but only five minutes a day can make a huge difference in reducing anxiety and helping you cope with it when it comes.

Anxiety is often associated with depression, even if the depression is not severe. Taking steps to address negative patterns of thinking, grieving losses, and learning to take better care of ourselves physically and emotionally is another important step in dealing with anxiety. If you need help to learn to identify and challenge negative thoughts, work through with past trauma or loss, or learn to improve your self-care and relationships, finding a therapist you trust is a great place to start.

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Why Parents Should Nurture the Child Within, Too

Young woman on swing
Young woman on swing

Becoming a parent brings out so many new qualities in each of us. We learn to nurture selflessly. We learn patience and empathy. We learn to read the cues of our new baby, and how to meet their needs as best we can. It is an opportunity for growth like no other in our lifetime.

However, as we learn to give love and care to our child, many of us also begin to face the reality that we were not nurtured in certain ways in our own childhood. As we provide a loving mirror to our child, reflecting back a positive and validating image, we may become aware that we were not mirrored in a loving way ourselves. Perhaps we were shamed for certain qualities, or silenced when we voiced our truth, or in other ways shown that we were “not OK” the way we were.

Many of us have internalized shaming and dismissive attitudes directed at us as young children. We may not even realize that we continue the pattern by shaming or silencing ourselves. The child part within each of us, which is our source of joy, passion and creativity, is often stifled by our own inner shame. Our need for validation, love and nurturing are easily dismissed as “selfish” or “needy,” as we tell ourselves that we “shouldn’t” need the things the child inside us craves. The things we most enjoy and that give us pleasure are easily lost as we focus our attention on practical realities and the needs of others, especially our children and our partner.

This pattern of self-neglect fosters depression and chronic pain or physical symptoms. The child inside us loses hope that he or she will ever experience joy and fulfillment, contributing to depression. Or the child gets angry at being neglected and acts out, causing us to be resentful, irritable, or develop chronic symptoms (anxiety or somatic complaints) that tell us that all is not well in our inner world.  

This is how I understand my own struggle with anxiety and chronic symptoms as a mother raising my children. When I lost touch with the child inside me, as it is so easy to do while raising children, my anxiety mounted. If I continued to be what I believed a “good mother” was (e.g. selfless, endlessly patient and focused on the needs of others), the result was depression, painful physical symptoms, overeating, and other self-destructive patterns. What I came to discover was that by focusing my attention inward, and creating a loving dialog between my inner parent self and my inner child, I was able to heal those childhood wounds and feel a sense of balance and wholeness. 

Some clients of mine find that they can identify a clear inner parent and inner child voice. But for those who find it more difficult, the following exercise can be useful. You can communicate in the voice of your inner parent by writing with your dominant hand, and can reply as your inner child by writing with the non-dominant hand. It is amazing how easy it is for many people to access the child part of themselves when struggling to write with their non-dominant hand! If you have difficulty “hearing” your inner child voice, put your hand on your belly — that can help you access this vulnerable part.

You can start a dialog by asking “how are you doing?” or “how can I take care of you today?” or “what are you needing from me?” Some will find that the child inside them is quite angry and distrustful of the inner parent at first, for having neglected them for so long. But you can overcome this distrust by responding consistently in a loving parental voice, and reassuring the child inside you that you are there for them, that you will not leave them alone again, and that you love them just the way they are. You may not always be able to give your inner child what it wants in that moment, but just as we do with our children, we can learn to validate their needs and make sure that we create a life in which our inner child’s needs have some level of priority as well.

Here’s an example of an inner child dialog, that was initiated when the client found herself feeling very heavy and having back pain:

Parent: What are you needing from me today, Sweetie?

Child: I’m sad and I want to play with my friends, but I always have to work and take care of people.

Parent: I’m so sorry you’re sad. Working so much is really hard. We don’t have time to go play today, but I will make sure we have a couple of hours this weekend to go do something fun. You’re feelings matter to me, and I’m really glad you told me how you feel. Would asking [partner] for a hug help make this day easier?

Child: Yes, I like hugs. But I’m still sad.

Parent: I know, and it’s OK to be sad. Your feelings matter to me. Do you think a nice bath before bed would feel good?

Child: Yes, that’s good. Can I have bubbles and music?

Parent: Absolutely! I’m so proud of you for asking for what you need and I love you very much.

This exercise will allow you to begin a conversation that can allow you to experience a corrective emotional experience of being cared for and attended to, which can heal your heart in a very deep way. You can also learn how to create a balance between the needs of others and the needs of this tender part of yourself, which will allow you to live a more authentic, joyful life.

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Perinatal Mental Health and Perfectionism

canstockphoto10868712

You’ve read the books. You’ve prepared the nursery. You’ve heard about Postpartum Depression—even if you may not see yourself as someone who’s likely to experience it. The commonly known risk factors for Perinatal Depression and other perinatal mental health disorders include:

  • A previous episode of depression or anxiety (especially during pregnancy)

  • A recent loss or major stressor, such as financial or health challenges

  • Lack of social support or relationship difficulties

  • A complicated pregnancy or birth, or breastfeeding challenges

Many of the clients I work with can check several of these boxes, and having one or two doesn’t guarantee you’ll struggle emotionally after birth. But there’s another risk factor that’s harder to measure—one that isn’t about what has happened to you, but about how you relate to yourself and the world.

Research shows that perfectionism and related personality traits can significantly increase the risk of postpartum depression. In particular, new parents who struggle the most with making mistakes are about four times more likely to experience postpartum emotional challenges. Also at higher risk are those who naturally prefer order, clarity, and control. This makes intuitive sense. Becoming a parent is the ultimate beginner’s role—messy, unpredictable, and often undertaken on very little sleep. If uncertainty or imperfection has always been hard for you, new parenthood can feel especially overwhelming.

In my practice, many of the new parents who struggle most aren’t just perfectionistic—they’re also used to taking responsibility for everyone else’s feelings and needs. That may work—barely—before a baby arrives. But a newborn instantly multiplies the emotional load. Babies cry. They will cry no matter how devoted, attentive, or skillful you are. And the more pressure you put on yourself to be a flawless parent, the more strained your energy and relationships can become. It’s a setup for stress, anxiety, and depression.

This is why learning to let go of perfection—in small, practical ways—can be powerful preparation for parenthood. Let the dishes wait a few hours. Run out of clean socks once in a while. Burn the rice because you got lost in a great article. Notice what’s going well instead of what could be better. Enjoy the sunshine in your half-landscaped yard. Allow people to be disappointed on occasion—after all, they disappoint you sometimes too. Practicing being good enough is not just healthy; it’s the foundation of sustainable, compassionate parenting.

If the idea of leaving a dish in the sink feels impossible, consider trying mindfulness practices or guided exercises. Mindfulness can help you accept what’s happening in the moment instead of feeling responsible for fixing everything. And you might benefit from support with a warm, understanding therapist (bonus points if their desk is a little messy). Learning to release some of the pressure you’ve carried for years is an investment in your well-being—and in the emotional health of your growing family.

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Need Support? PSI is there to help!

Postpartum Support International is now offering even more online support meetings for pregnant and postpartum moms isolated at home. Check out the link below to find out more or to sign up.

https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/

Take a test to see if you have Prenatal or Postpartum Depression

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Perinatal Mental Health Disorders

Risk Factors, Symptoms, and What To Do

Take a Screening Test for Perinatal Mental Health Disorders

The Baby Blues has become as much an accepted part of being a new birthing parent as engorged breasts and sleep deprivation. But what if the Blues don’t go away? For 10-20% of new parents, a perinatal mental health disorder (PMHD) is an unwanted and difficult part of the first year of parenthood. The causes of PMHDs are many, and can include hormonal and lifestyle changes, a lack of social support, sleep deprivation, a high-risk pregnancy, a traumatic birth or difficult recovery, or breastfeeding problems. You are also at a higher risk of PMHDs if you have suffered previously from anxiety or depression, or have recent losses or trauma in your life. Symptoms of PMHDs can include:

  • Feeling sad, depressed, numb, or crying a lot
  • Restlessness or irritability
  • Excessive worrying or inability to relax
  • Unusually strong feelings of anger or resentment
  • Lack of energy
  • Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations, numbness, tingling, dizziness or nausea, hyperventilation or other unexplained physical symptoms
  • Difficulty sleeping or excessive tiredness
  • Loss of appetite or conversely, overeating and weight gain
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions, or confusion
  • Excessive concern about the baby or lack of interest in the baby
  • Feelings of guilt and worthlessness
  • Lack of interest or pleasure in activities
  • Obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviors
  • Fear of hurting the baby or yourself

Many new parents experience only a few of these symptoms, but if you feel like something is wrong and you’re not quite yourself, that is an important signal. If these symptoms persist for two weeks or more, you should promptly get support by talking to your doctor or a mental health professional. PMHDs are highly treatable, with therapy, medication, or a combination of the two.

If you need medication and you are told that you must give up breastfeeding, make sure you get the advice of a prescriber who is knowledgeable about medications for breastfeeding parents. There are a few antidepressants which are routinely prescribed during breastfeeding  with untraceable amounts detectable in the baby’s bloodstream. Moreover, breastfeeding can be beneficial both for the birthing parent, the long-term health of the baby, and bonding, which is even more challenging when a parent is depressed.

Depression not only affects you: it affects your relationships with your partner and your baby. Untreated, depression can lead to bonding difficulties and delayed development or failure to thrive. Getting the help you need to recover quickly is the best thing you can do for your baby and yourself.

Most importantly, tell your support people (your family, friends, partner) how you are feeling. The burden of trying to seem happy and “keeping it all together” can make the depression worse. You need to lean on the people who care about you, get as much help as you need until you’re back to feeling like yourself, and don’t beat yourself up for having a PMHD. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.

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Commitment and Kids

Why the Couple Relationship Is So Important When You Are Parents

baby shoes

What makes a committed relationship thrive once kids come into the picture? It’s the ability to stay connected—to feel loved, supported, and safe with each other—even through the chaos of raising children. Maintaining that bond helps couples weather the storms of parenting with their relationship (and sanity) intact.

Why Your Relationship Still Matters

After having children, it’s easy for your partnership to slip to the bottom of the list. Work demands attention, the baby needs constant care, and “couple time” can feel like a luxury. But when your relationship is consistently last, even a strong partnership can begin to suffer.

Taking care of your connection isn’t selfish—it’s essential. A loving relationship forms the foundation for your family’s stability and your children’s emotional well-being. Kids thrive when they see their parents treating each other with kindness, respect, and affection.

Nurturing Connection

Keeping your relationship healthy doesn’t mean grand gestures—it means small, intentional efforts to stay close.

  • Spend time together, even briefly, without the kids.
  • Find joy in shared activities as a family.
  • Keep physical affection and intimacy alive in whatever way works for both of you.
  • Accept that your partner, like you, is a human being doing their best—and not a perfect parent.

Studies consistently show that children do best when their parents’ relationship is strong, even when parenting isn’t flawless.

Communicate with Care

Good communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship. It may seem easier to avoid conflict or bury frustration, but unspoken resentment can quietly erode intimacy and affection. Learning how to talk about your feelings calmly and honestly can bring you closer, even when conversations are uncomfortable.

Here’s an example:
Imagine your partner is caring for the baby but spends part of that time watching football on TV. You feel frustrated—it’s understandable. Rather than snapping in the heat of the moment or bottling up your feelings, take a breath and reflect on what you want to say.

You might start with something like:

“I know you’ve had a long day and need to unwind. I appreciate that you’re spending time with the baby, but I feel a bit resentful when I see the TV on after I’ve been with her all day. Can we talk about it?”

This approach invites conversation rather than conflict. Your partner may open up about feeling uncertain or inexperienced with the baby. You may realize that your child won’t be harmed by a little football, and that both of you are simply trying to do your best. Working through the issue helps resentment fade and understanding grow.

Knowing When to Let Go

Not every irritation needs to be discussed—but ask yourself, can I truly let this go? If not, it’s better to talk about it calmly before frustration builds. Conflict handled with care can deepen intimacy and trust.

Getting Support When You Need It

Every couple faces challenges. If you find that your conversations aren’t leading to resolution or connection, consider seeking help from a couples therapist. Having a supportive space to talk can help you rebuild goodwill and rediscover the warmth that brought you together in the first place.

Often, the recurring issues between partners stem from deeper worries—about feeling loved, valued, or secure. Reconnecting on that emotional level can make small conflicts feel manageable again and remind you that you’re on the same team.

A strong relationship isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about staying connected through it. When you nurture your partnership, you not only strengthen your bond but also create a more loving, stable home for your children and yourselves.

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Letting Go of Parent Guilt

pregnant mom sonThere is no guilt quite like the guilt of a parent. We feel so uniquely responsible for the care of our children. Every lapse in our parenting weighs on us.

Throughout life there are always reasons to feel guilty: the call we forgot to return or the birthday card we forgot to send, or the time we snapped at our partner for no good reason. But when we feel we have failed with our child, this guilt weighs even heavier on our minds.

Guilt is an emotion with a conscience — it helps us try to do our best, and it reminds us of what is important to us. But too much guilt can rob us of enjoyment. And as a parent, there is so much to feel guilty about! If we dote on our child, there’s the house, friends, partner or even job to feel guilty about, and if we try to meet our other obligations, it is easy to feel that you have failed as a parent. It’s a Catch-22!

I wonder sometimes if our parents felt as guilty as we do, or if it is unique to our generation to expect so much from ourselves. And guilt in itself is purposeless. It doesn’t help anyone, but only makes it more difficult to do our best.

When you are feeling guilty, it is important to look at this feeling from some emotional distance, seeing it objectively instead of being its victim. Decide whether your sense of guilt is justified. Sometimes sharing your feelings with a fellow parent can help you sort out what is legitimate and what is perfectionism.

When you feel that you have truly let someone down, it is important to do what you can to make it right. Apologize to the friend you neglected, or the partner or child you yelled at. Try to learn from your guilt to change your priorities and do things differently. Then let the guilt go.

When the guilt is baseless, or unavoidable, like when you feel guilty for a feeling you have, or because you cannot do more than you are capable of, then you need to practice using your “interior parent” to counter those feelings.

If you had a beloved friend who told you she felt terrible because the baby cried while she was on a much-needed outing with her partner, what would you tell her? Probably you would reassure her that she is a wonderful mother, and that she must nurture herself and her relationship in order to be the best mother she can be. You would tell her she has nothing to feel guilty about, and you would also empathize with her pain. This is the role you must also play with yourself.

Listen to your own thoughts, and when they are self-defeating or judgmental, respond to yourself the way you would to a loved one — being a good parent to yourself is part of being a good, loving and joyful parent to your children.

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Returning to Work After Parental Leave

By Meri Levy, MFT

Regardless of what you decided about working after the birth of your baby, facing the reality of going back to work or staying at home once the baby is born can be a very stressful time. Many moms, even those who were certain that they wanted to return to work after their maternity leave, have very conflicting feelings about the reality of returning to work. And some moms who always planned on staying home after having children face unexpected emotional challenges in facing the reality of looking toward a future at home full-time with their child.

What is hard to anticipate when considering the decision to work or stay at home before the baby is born is how big a loss either decision represents. For moms returning to work, it is common to feel:

  • An enormous sense of loss associated with leaving your baby in another’s care
  • A concern that her child will be irreparably harmed by the separation from you
  • Anxiety about being away from your baby and having your baby’s care outside of your control
  • An unexpectedly strong desire to quit your job and stay home with your baby
  • Guilt associated with having a desire to return to work or resentment at having to go back to work
  • A feeling that you must rush through your workday to return to your baby as quickly as possible, for fear your baby will forget you, or you will miss important moments.

For moms choosing to stay at home, it is common to feel:

  • An unexpected sense of loss associated with no longer receiving the validation of purpose that is so often gained by outside work and receiving a paycheck
  • A sense of vulnerability associated with being dependent upon their partner’s income
  • Guilt associated with conflicting feelings about leaving the work world
  • Boredom with the tasks of mothering and loneliness, especially in the early months before the baby becomes more interactive and you find activities you enjoy with your baby
  • Loneliness and isolation associated with being at home with a small baby, especially before you connect with other new mothers at home with their babies.

These feelings can be very confusing, and new moms often struggle with the decision regardless of what their prior plans were. As a new mom, your entire world has changed, your priorities have shifted, and your now occupies a huge place in your heart. It can be a struggle to align the new role of motherhood with the values you previously held. Many moms change course and decide to stay home despite having planned to return to work, or choose to go back to work full or part-time despite planning to remain at home. Financial considerations play a big role in this decision, as does the developing relationship with your baby, your own clarification of your needs and wants, and your relationship with your partner.

Many mothers seek therapy during this time. Getting help to clarify your feelings about returning to work, exploring alternative work arrangements or more flexible careers, and getting validation for your choices can make this difficult time of transition go smoother. Whether you ultimately decide to stay at home for now or return to work, making decisions from a place of self-compassion, and understanding that there is no one “right” answer can allow you the freedom to honor who you are and who you are becoming.

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