Category Archives: New Parents

Don’t Abandon Yourself this Holiday Season

For those of us who are susceptible to chronic pain or other physical symptoms, or who tend toward anxiety or depression (all of which can be neuroplastic, by the way), the holiday season can be a time when we need to be especially mindful. It’s all too easy to abandon ourselves in the rush to make everyone else happy.

There’s nothing wrong with caring deeply about the needs of the people we love. That’s a beautiful quality. But for some of us, prioritizing others can tip from caring into compulsion.

So what does it mean to have high personal agency in our lives?

It means we know what matters to us, and we make conscious decisions based on our own values and priorities. It means we can consider our wants and needs alongside those of the people we care about—and choose our actions based on what feels most aligned and meaningful overall.

Many people with a people-pleasing pattern feel obligated to keep others happy, even when it costs them something important. The thought of disappointing someone can feel unbearable, and abandoning ourselves can become the default.

Learning to cultivate high personal agency doesn’t mean you stop being generous or caring. It doesn’t mean you can never put someone else first. In fact, it doesn’t require changing your actions at all. What it does mean is that when you choose to do something for others, you do it from a place of clarity and intention—because, in your own honest assessment, the benefits outweigh the costs.

So this holiday season, what might shift if you chose not to abandon yourself? What could open up if you committed to honoring your own agency in every meaningful decision?

You deserve to be part of the circle of people you care for.

Antidepressant Medication in Pregnancy

Pregnant Belly

The debate over the safety of psychotropic medications during pregnancy continues to spark strong opinions. Critics of antidepressants often cite numerous articles and isolated studies highlighting potential risks or questioning their effectiveness. What we’re seeing, in many cases, is a form of “splitting”—the tendency to categorize something as entirely good or entirely bad. When it comes to psychiatric medication, people often fall into one camp or the other and accept only the evidence that supports their viewpoint.

The reality is more nuanced. Yes, some psychiatrists make mistakes, and psychiatric medications can be overprescribed or misprescribed. Some people do not respond well to them. But many others experience profound relief, and for some, these medications are lifesaving. This is why clear, balanced, and evidence-based information about the use of psychotropic medications during pregnancy and breastfeeding is so critically important.

Many who oppose antidepressants advocate for natural or holistic approaches to treating depression and anxiety. These approaches can absolutely be helpful for some people. I’ve personally tried acupuncture, chiropractic care, homeopathy, craniosacral therapy, and herbal treatments, and at times found them beneficial. But, just as we rely on modern medicine for conditions like Type 1 diabetes, there are situations in which holistic measures simply aren’t enough.

In my own experience many years ago, no amount of holistic treatment or psychotherapy touched my severe postpartum anxiety and depression. I was eventually hospitalized when I no longer wanted to live. Six weeks after starting an antidepressant, I was able to function again and finally benefit from therapy. I know that medication saved my life, and I’ve heard countless similar stories from other birthing people.

Perinatal mental health disorders have both biological and psychological components. Hormonal shifts, physical recovery from childbirth or cesarean, and chronic sleep deprivation can all play significant roles. In my work with birthing people, I’ve seen again and again that those with severe perinatal depression, anxiety, or OCD often do best with a combination of approaches—psychotherapy, self-care, social support, nutrition, sunlight, and moderate exercise, and medication when needed.

Some parents choose not to take medication, and many do recover with therapy, support, and lifestyle changes. But some later wish they had considered medication sooner, regretting the weeks or months lost with their baby while they struggled to bond or function due to overwhelming symptoms.

Untreated depression and anxiety during pregnancy and the postpartum period carry real risks. They can affect birth outcomes and have lasting effects on the parent, the baby, and the entire family system.

The truth is that some new parents simply do not have the energy, motivation, or clarity to benefit fully from therapy or self-care until their symptoms are stabilized. In my experience, most of these individuals improve significantly once they receive the right medication. That practical reality matters far more than abstract debates about whether medication is “good” or “bad.”

New parents deserve balanced, compassionate information—not scare tactics, shame, or political agendas. Their health, their babies’ well-being, and their family’s future depend on access to accurate guidance and the full spectrum of effective treatment options.

The Mindful Parent: Learning How to Let Go

balloons

There are so many things we benefit from learning to let go of as parents — comparing our child or our home to others’, expecting our child to become the exact person we imagined, attempting to be a perfect housekeeper/caregiver/playmate/chef/lover (insert unrealistic expectation here), and on some days, even expecting to take a shower!

How do we do it? Often I hear from clients that this is one of the most difficult parts of being a parent — letting go of control and the need for things to be perfect. We hold on so tightly, imagining that this holding on is the only thing keeping everything from falling apart, or keeping us from falling apart. And yet it is often this unrealistic desire for control that causes us (and then inevitably, things) to fall apart.

What it comes down to, in my view, is the belief that we live in a friendly universe. Whether it’s objectively true or not is irrelevant. We benefit from cultivating the belief that things are OK. That we and the people we love are OK. That even when things are not OK, it’s still OK.

Our need for control is rooted in a fear that is far greater than the things we fear. We imagine that if we don’t clean up the house, not only will the house be messy, but it feels like the world will end. We fear that if we don’t wash our child’s hands, not only may she get sick, but we won’t be able to cope. If our child falls behind in development, we imagine not just a delay, but a ruined future. Often, the worst thing that can happen is far less terrible than the tragedy we imagine will happen if we loosen our grip.

Cultivating mindfulness is a wonderful strategy for learning to let go. Being able to notice and observe what is happening in the present moment—our body sensations, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and surroundings—without analyzing or judging them as good or bad, helps us tap into the feeling that things are OK. It’s easy to find five-minute mindfulness exercises online that are a good first step toward developing the ability to be present and aware of the thoughts and beliefs that pull us away from acceptance.

When practicing mindfulness, you will have thoughts that come and go. Sometimes you’ll think, “I’m not doing this right,” or get caught up in whatever arises. Observing your thoughts without judgment is the practice. Imagine your thoughts as leaves floating along the surface of a stream. Even if one catches your attention, it keeps drifting by, and you can return to noticing what is happening within and around you. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions without labeling them as good or bad allows them to move through you and pass in their own time.

In daily life, the ability to be mindful strengthens the ability to let go. When you get caught up in “shoulds,” or find yourself trying to control things you truly want to release, imagine your thoughts as a train passing by. You can watch the train, but you don’t have to get on. Not boarding the train means not believing every thought, not analyzing it, not judging it, and not spiraling into conclusions like “this thought is going to ruin my day.” Let the train pass and notice the scenery around you. What you notice in the moment—however challenging—is really OK.

Letting go doesn’t mean lowering your standards or giving up on what matters. It means trusting that you don’t have to hold everything together by sheer force. It means remembering that your child doesn’t need a perfect parent—just a present, human one. Each moment you loosen your grip, even slightly, you make space for ease, joy, humor, creativity, and connection. You make space for the life you’re building with your child to unfold naturally, with room for surprises and moments of grace.

Letting go isn’t a loss of control; it’s a quiet gain of freedom. And you deserve that freedom every bit as much as your child deserves your love.

Need Support? PSI is there to help!

Postpartum Support International is now offering even more online support meetings for pregnant and postpartum moms isolated at home. Check out the link below to find out more or to sign up.

https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/

Take a test to see if you have Prenatal or Postpartum Depression

How Not to Say the Wrong Thing

A friend posted this, and I have to share it. We all know how easy it is to say the wrong thing when someone’s ill or in a crisis. Some otherwise caring people avoid connecting with loved ones during those times simply because they don’t know what to do or say. This article is a simple “how to” for providing support to those in need without making things worse. A Must-Read! http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Maternal Ambivalence

When You Love Your Kids but Don’t Love Motherhood

tired-mother-with-child1

If you are a mother, you have probably experienced at least one day (if not many) when you wondered if you were cut out for the job of parenting. Mothering is hard work. Even on our best days parenting our kids, there are difficult moments. Many days, it is the occasional joyful moment that makes it all worthwhile. Other times, it may not feel like the good justifies the bad.

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