Tag Archives: Self Care for Parents

Empowering Mind-Body Healing for Women

A supportive, empowering message to women who have had their pain and symptoms dismissed for far too long.

For generations, possibly since the advent of modern medicine, women’s health concerns have been minimized, misunderstood, or dismissed outright. Women have been labeled “hysterical,” “dramatic,” or “too sensitive” when they were suffering with very real physical conditions. Many of us have been told our symptoms are “all in our heads,” that we’re overreacting, and that we simply need to calm down or push through. Or to “just get over it.”

Given that history, it is completely understandable that the idea of mind–body healing can feel uncomfortable or even insulting. For many women, it appears to echo the same harmful messages we’ve heard their whole lives:
“You’re imagining it.”
 “It’s your fault.”
 “Just get over it.”

That’s the opposite of what women deserve. 

Women are not “more emotional.” We are more burdened.

Women experience higher rates of chronic pain, autoimmune illness, migraines, IBS, fatigue disorders, anxiety, and other stress-related conditions—not because we are weaker or more fragile–in fact, just the opposite! It is very likely that these conditions impact women more because we often carry more:

  • Caregiving responsibilities
  • Emotional labor at home and at work
  • Discrimination and microaggressions
  • Financial and workplace instability
  • Exposure to trauma and unsafe relationships
  • Pressure to be accommodating, calm, kind, and self-sacrificing

Women are often expected to perform at work as if we don’t have families, and at home as if we don’t have jobs. We are trained to consider others’ needs before their own. We are told to smile through pain and stay “pleasant,” no matter what we’re carrying. A body under those conditions will eventually speak up. Often through pain or symptoms.

When symptoms are neuroplastic, they’re not imaginary

Pain or symptoms that are created or maintained by the brain are not “made up,” “in your head,” or less legitimate or impactful. It simply means the nervous system has become overwhelmed and has created the symptom as an act of self-protection. The brain is incredibly powerful, and it can create real: 

  • pain
  • inflammation
  • skin conditions
  • digestive issues
  • dizziness
  • fatigue
  • nausea
  • sensitivities to foods, sounds, light and chemicals
  • sensations of numbness, tingling, itching and burning, and others

Neuroplastic symptoms are real. They can be severe. They can be disabling. And they are treatable.

Not with willpower.
Not with “pushing through.”
Not with being a “good patient.”
Not with pretending you’re fine.

But with approaches that calm and retrain the brain, address stress and overwhelm, restore agency, and bring your system back into balance.

Why women often hesitate to embrace mind–body neuroplastic treatments:

Women have excellent reasons to be cautious:

  • We’ve often been dismissed by providers or been given answers and treatments that were not helpful or that made things worse.
  • We’re often told that our symptoms are due to stress without receiving support to address the root cause.
  • We’ve lacked adequate care, support, or time to heal.
  • We haven’t had our suffering taken seriously.

So when someone says, “Your pain may be neuroplastic,” many women understandably hear:
“You’re imagining it.”
 or
“It’s up to you to fix it alone.”

But in truth, neuroplastic healing is one of the most validating approaches available, because it says: “Your symptoms are real, your suffering is legitimate, and your healing matters.”

Mind–body healing is not self-blame — it is self-restoration.

Neuroplastic treatments do not ask women to ignore structural medical issues that need treatment, and they are not based on the idea that pain or discomfort is “all in your head.” What mind-body healing does do is empower women with tools that have been proven to reduce or eliminate chronic pain and other symptoms by addressing the overloaded nervous systems that so many women live with every day.

Healing happens through:

  • Learning to feel safe in your body again
  • Setting boundaries where life has demanded too much
  • Addressing perfectionistic or self-sacrificial patterns that make life difficult
  • Giving yourself the compassion you rarely receive from others
  • Processing emotions you’ve had to suppress to survive
  • Reclaiming agency over your health and wellbeing

It is about restoring your sense of safety and learning to live in a way that allows you to feel your feelings, prioritize your well-being, and live in a more authentic way. Living more authentically allows your nervous system to thrive and allows you to engage with life in a more joyful way. 

You deserve a healing path that sees the whole you

Mind–body healing is not a message that something is wrong with you. It is a message that you’ve likely carried too much, and it’s taken a toll on your well-being. Your symptoms — painful, frustrating, frightening as they are — are your body’s way of saying:

“I’ve been carrying too much for too long.”
 “I need care just as much as I give it.”
 “I deserve safety, rest, and support.”

You deserve to feel fully supported as you reclaim your health, your agency, and your well-being.

If you’d like to schedule a consultation to discuss the symptoms you’re experiencing, contact me, or schedule an appointment.

Real Nervous System Regulation

It isn’t Always About “Calming Down”

There’s a lot of talk these days about the importance of “nervous system regulation.” We often hear that when the body is in fight-or-flight mode, the brain interprets danger signals and may create physical symptoms or anxiety as a protective response. This is true—but it’s only part of the story.

What often gets overlooked is that nervous system regulation doesn’t always happen directly. We can’t always breathe, meditate, or stretch our way out of fight-or-flight, especially if our bodies are sounding an alarm for a real and valid reason. Sometimes the issue isn’t that we don’t know how to calm down—it’s that something in our lives is keeping us stuck in a state of tension.

So instead of asking, “How do I calm my nervous system?” it can be more helpful to ask: “Why is is my nervous system activated in the first place?”

Our bodies don’t sound alarms for no reason. A dysregulated nervous system is often trying to tell us something. Here are some of the deeper, underlying causes that can keep a person stuck in chronic vigilance:

Emotional and Psychological Roots of Dysregulation

  • Perfectionism rooted in a belief that you’re never “good enough.”
  • Unprocessed emotions such as grief, anger, sadness, loneliness, or hurt.
  • Unresolved trauma or childhood neglect that created lasting beliefs of being unsafe or uncared for.
  • Lack of emotional safety in current work or relationship environments.
  • Growing up in chaos or unpredictability, leading to long-standing hypervigilance.
  • Internalized pressure to have no needs, resulting in people-pleasing, overfunctioning, or self-abandonment.

When these patterns are present, nervous system activation makes sense. It is trying to protect you from situations that echo past danger—or from present circumstances that feel overwhelming or unsustainable.

Why Regulation Techniques Aren’t Always Enough

Breathing exercises, grounding skills, or mindfulness practices can absolutely be helpful tools. They can settle your system in moments when you’re not actively being triggered. They can create space, reduce intensity, and help you reconnect with your body.

But expecting these techniques to fully resolve dysregulation—without addressing the underlying causes—is like turning down the volume on a fire alarm without checking for fire and then putting the fire out.

Often, true nervous system calming comes from the deeper work of changing behavioral patterns, relationships, environments, or beliefs that continually activate your stress response.

The Real Work of Re-Regulating Your Nervous System

Real inner calm grows from actions that are less about soothing and more about changing the conditions that keep your system overwhelmed. That might include:

  • Advocating for yourself in relationships or at work.
  • Tolerating healthy conflict and learning that it can be safe, instead of avoiding it.
  • Allowing yourself to feel grief, anger, sadness, or loss rather than pushing those emotions away.
  • Setting and honoring boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable.
  • Addressing unhealthy or one-sided relationships, including the possibility of ending them.
  • Letting go of “shoulds” and making important decisions based on self-respect and your values, not pressure or fear.
  • Processing trauma so that your body can finally register that the danger is over.
  • Releasing the belief that your job is to keep everyone else happy at the cost of your own well-being.

These aren’t quick fixes. They are forms of emotional labor, self-advocacy, and true inner healing that change the very reasons the nervous system goes into fight-or-flight in the first place.

When the Body Isn’t Calm, There’s Usually a Reason

When you’re not feeling relaxed or grounded, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing anything wrong. There may be a valid, very human reason that your system is activated. Your nervous system may be trying to say:

“Something in your life needs attention.”

Sometimes the most powerful nervous system regulation isn’t a technique—it’s a boundary.
Or an honest conversation.
Or letting yourself cry.
Or finally telling the truth about what hurts.
Or choosing yourself in a situation where you’ve habitually chosen everyone else.

Inner Calm Comes From Alignment, Not Perfection

Ultimately, nervous system regulation is less about mastering calming practices and more about aligning your life with your needs, your values, and your emotional truth.

When you feel safe to be yourself, safe to have needs, and safe to feel your feelings, your nervous system naturally settles.
Not because you forced it to—
but because it no longer has to protect you from things you are ignoring.

If you’d like help to achieve more calm in your nervous system, I’d be honored to help you. Contact Me, Or Schedule an appointment.

Why Parents Should Nurture the Child Within, Too

Young woman on swing
Young woman on swing

Becoming a parent brings out so many new qualities in each of us. We learn to nurture selflessly. We learn patience and empathy. We learn to read the cues of our new baby, and how to meet their needs as best we can. It is an opportunity for growth like no other in our lifetime.

However, as we learn to give love and care to our child, many of us also begin to face the reality that we were not nurtured in certain ways in our own childhood. As we provide a loving mirror to our child, reflecting back a positive and validating image, we may become aware that we were not mirrored in a loving way ourselves. Perhaps we were shamed for certain qualities, or silenced when we voiced our truth, or in other ways shown that we were “not OK” the way we were.

Many of us have internalized shaming and dismissive attitudes directed at us as young children. We may not even realize that we continue the pattern by shaming or silencing ourselves. The child part within each of us, which is our source of joy, passion and creativity, is often stifled by our own inner shame. Our need for validation, love and nurturing are easily dismissed as “selfish” or “needy,” as we tell ourselves that we “shouldn’t” need the things the child inside us craves. The things we most enjoy and that give us pleasure are easily lost as we focus our attention on practical realities and the needs of others, especially our children and our partner.

This pattern of self-neglect fosters depression and chronic pain or physical symptoms. The child inside us loses hope that he or she will ever experience joy and fulfillment, contributing to depression. Or the child gets angry at being neglected and acts out, causing us to be resentful, irritable, or develop chronic symptoms (anxiety or somatic complaints) that tell us that all is not well in our inner world.  

This is how I understand my own struggle with anxiety and chronic symptoms as a mother raising my children. When I lost touch with the child inside me, as it is so easy to do while raising children, my anxiety mounted. If I continued to be what I believed a “good mother” was (e.g. selfless, endlessly patient and focused on the needs of others), the result was depression, painful physical symptoms, overeating, and other self-destructive patterns. What I came to discover was that by focusing my attention inward, and creating a loving dialog between my inner parent self and my inner child, I was able to heal those childhood wounds and feel a sense of balance and wholeness. 

Some clients of mine find that they can identify a clear inner parent and inner child voice. But for those who find it more difficult, the following exercise can be useful. You can communicate in the voice of your inner parent by writing with your dominant hand, and can reply as your inner child by writing with the non-dominant hand. It is amazing how easy it is for many people to access the child part of themselves when struggling to write with their non-dominant hand! If you have difficulty “hearing” your inner child voice, put your hand on your belly — that can help you access this vulnerable part.

You can start a dialog by asking “how are you doing?” or “how can I take care of you today?” or “what are you needing from me?” Some will find that the child inside them is quite angry and distrustful of the inner parent at first, for having neglected them for so long. But you can overcome this distrust by responding consistently in a loving parental voice, and reassuring the child inside you that you are there for them, that you will not leave them alone again, and that you love them just the way they are. You may not always be able to give your inner child what it wants in that moment, but just as we do with our children, we can learn to validate their needs and make sure that we create a life in which our inner child’s needs have some level of priority as well.

Here’s an example of an inner child dialog, that was initiated when the client found herself feeling very heavy and having back pain:

Parent: What are you needing from me today, Sweetie?

Child: I’m sad and I want to play with my friends, but I always have to work and take care of people.

Parent: I’m so sorry you’re sad. Working so much is really hard. We don’t have time to go play today, but I will make sure we have a couple of hours this weekend to go do something fun. You’re feelings matter to me, and I’m really glad you told me how you feel. Would asking [partner] for a hug help make this day easier?

Child: Yes, I like hugs. But I’m still sad.

Parent: I know, and it’s OK to be sad. Your feelings matter to me. Do you think a nice bath before bed would feel good?

Child: Yes, that’s good. Can I have bubbles and music?

Parent: Absolutely! I’m so proud of you for asking for what you need and I love you very much.

This exercise will allow you to begin a conversation that can allow you to experience a corrective emotional experience of being cared for and attended to, which can heal your heart in a very deep way. You can also learn how to create a balance between the needs of others and the needs of this tender part of yourself, which will allow you to live a more authentic, joyful life.

The Mindful Parent: Learning How to Let Go

balloons

There are so many things we benefit from learning to let go of as parents — comparing our child or our home to others’, expecting our child to become the exact person we imagined, attempting to be a perfect housekeeper/caregiver/playmate/chef/lover (insert unrealistic expectation here), and on some days, even expecting to take a shower!

How do we do it? Often I hear from clients that this is one of the most difficult parts of being a parent — letting go of control and the need for things to be perfect. We hold on so tightly, imagining that this holding on is the only thing keeping everything from falling apart, or keeping us from falling apart. And yet it is often this unrealistic desire for control that causes us (and then inevitably, things) to fall apart.

What it comes down to, in my view, is the belief that we live in a friendly universe. Whether it’s objectively true or not is irrelevant. We benefit from cultivating the belief that things are OK. That we and the people we love are OK. That even when things are not OK, it’s still OK.

Our need for control is rooted in a fear that is far greater than the things we fear. We imagine that if we don’t clean up the house, not only will the house be messy, but it feels like the world will end. We fear that if we don’t wash our child’s hands, not only may she get sick, but we won’t be able to cope. If our child falls behind in development, we imagine not just a delay, but a ruined future. Often, the worst thing that can happen is far less terrible than the tragedy we imagine will happen if we loosen our grip.

Cultivating mindfulness is a wonderful strategy for learning to let go. Being able to notice and observe what is happening in the present moment—our body sensations, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and surroundings—without analyzing or judging them as good or bad, helps us tap into the feeling that things are OK. It’s easy to find five-minute mindfulness exercises online that are a good first step toward developing the ability to be present and aware of the thoughts and beliefs that pull us away from acceptance.

When practicing mindfulness, you will have thoughts that come and go. Sometimes you’ll think, “I’m not doing this right,” or get caught up in whatever arises. Observing your thoughts without judgment is the practice. Imagine your thoughts as leaves floating along the surface of a stream. Even if one catches your attention, it keeps drifting by, and you can return to noticing what is happening within and around you. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions without labeling them as good or bad allows them to move through you and pass in their own time.

In daily life, the ability to be mindful strengthens the ability to let go. When you get caught up in “shoulds,” or find yourself trying to control things you truly want to release, imagine your thoughts as a train passing by. You can watch the train, but you don’t have to get on. Not boarding the train means not believing every thought, not analyzing it, not judging it, and not spiraling into conclusions like “this thought is going to ruin my day.” Let the train pass and notice the scenery around you. What you notice in the moment—however challenging—is really OK.

Letting go doesn’t mean lowering your standards or giving up on what matters. It means trusting that you don’t have to hold everything together by sheer force. It means remembering that your child doesn’t need a perfect parent—just a present, human one. Each moment you loosen your grip, even slightly, you make space for ease, joy, humor, creativity, and connection. You make space for the life you’re building with your child to unfold naturally, with room for surprises and moments of grace.

Letting go isn’t a loss of control; it’s a quiet gain of freedom. And you deserve that freedom every bit as much as your child deserves your love.

How Not to Say the Wrong Thing

A friend posted this, and I have to share it. We all know how easy it is to say the wrong thing when someone’s ill or in a crisis. Some otherwise caring people avoid connecting with loved ones during those times simply because they don’t know what to do or say. This article is a simple “how to” for providing support to those in need without making things worse. A Must-Read! http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Perinatal Mental Health Disorders

Risk Factors, Symptoms, and What To Do

Take a Screening Test for Perinatal Mental Health Disorders

The Baby Blues has become as much an accepted part of being a new birthing parent as engorged breasts and sleep deprivation. But what if the Blues don’t go away? For 10-20% of new parents, a perinatal mental health disorder (PMHD) is an unwanted and difficult part of the first year of parenthood. The causes of PMHDs are many, and can include hormonal and lifestyle changes, a lack of social support, sleep deprivation, a high-risk pregnancy, a traumatic birth or difficult recovery, or breastfeeding problems. You are also at a higher risk of PMHDs if you have suffered previously from anxiety or depression, or have recent losses or trauma in your life. Symptoms of PMHDs can include:

  • Feeling sad, depressed, numb, or crying a lot
  • Restlessness or irritability
  • Excessive worrying or inability to relax
  • Unusually strong feelings of anger or resentment
  • Lack of energy
  • Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations, numbness, tingling, dizziness or nausea, hyperventilation or other unexplained physical symptoms
  • Difficulty sleeping or excessive tiredness
  • Loss of appetite or conversely, overeating and weight gain
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions, or confusion
  • Excessive concern about the baby or lack of interest in the baby
  • Feelings of guilt and worthlessness
  • Lack of interest or pleasure in activities
  • Obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviors
  • Fear of hurting the baby or yourself

Many new parents experience only a few of these symptoms, but if you feel like something is wrong and you’re not quite yourself, that is an important signal. If these symptoms persist for two weeks or more, you should promptly get support by talking to your doctor or a mental health professional. PMHDs are highly treatable, with therapy, medication, or a combination of the two.

If you need medication and you are told that you must give up breastfeeding, make sure you get the advice of a prescriber who is knowledgeable about medications for breastfeeding parents. There are a few antidepressants which are routinely prescribed during breastfeeding  with untraceable amounts detectable in the baby’s bloodstream. Moreover, breastfeeding can be beneficial both for the birthing parent, the long-term health of the baby, and bonding, which is even more challenging when a parent is depressed.

Depression not only affects you: it affects your relationships with your partner and your baby. Untreated, depression can lead to bonding difficulties and delayed development or failure to thrive. Getting the help you need to recover quickly is the best thing you can do for your baby and yourself.

Most importantly, tell your support people (your family, friends, partner) how you are feeling. The burden of trying to seem happy and “keeping it all together” can make the depression worse. You need to lean on the people who care about you, get as much help as you need until you’re back to feeling like yourself, and don’t beat yourself up for having a PMHD. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.