Author Archives: Meri Levy

Commitment and Kids

Why the Couple Relationship Is So Important When You Are Parents

baby shoes

What makes a committed relationship thrive once kids come into the picture? It’s the ability to stay connected—to feel loved, supported, and safe with each other—even through the chaos of raising children. Maintaining that bond helps couples weather the storms of parenting with their relationship (and sanity) intact.

Why Your Relationship Still Matters

After having children, it’s easy for your partnership to slip to the bottom of the list. Work demands attention, the baby needs constant care, and “couple time” can feel like a luxury. But when your relationship is consistently last, even a strong partnership can begin to suffer.

Taking care of your connection isn’t selfish—it’s essential. A loving relationship forms the foundation for your family’s stability and your children’s emotional well-being. Kids thrive when they see their parents treating each other with kindness, respect, and affection.

Nurturing Connection

Keeping your relationship healthy doesn’t mean grand gestures—it means small, intentional efforts to stay close.

  • Spend time together, even briefly, without the kids.
  • Find joy in shared activities as a family.
  • Keep physical affection and intimacy alive in whatever way works for both of you.
  • Accept that your partner, like you, is a human being doing their best—and not a perfect parent.

Studies consistently show that children do best when their parents’ relationship is strong, even when parenting isn’t flawless.

Communicate with Care

Good communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship. It may seem easier to avoid conflict or bury frustration, but unspoken resentment can quietly erode intimacy and affection. Learning how to talk about your feelings calmly and honestly can bring you closer, even when conversations are uncomfortable.

Here’s an example:
Imagine your partner is caring for the baby but spends part of that time watching football on TV. You feel frustrated—it’s understandable. Rather than snapping in the heat of the moment or bottling up your feelings, take a breath and reflect on what you want to say.

You might start with something like:

“I know you’ve had a long day and need to unwind. I appreciate that you’re spending time with the baby, but I feel a bit resentful when I see the TV on after I’ve been with her all day. Can we talk about it?”

This approach invites conversation rather than conflict. Your partner may open up about feeling uncertain or inexperienced with the baby. You may realize that your child won’t be harmed by a little football, and that both of you are simply trying to do your best. Working through the issue helps resentment fade and understanding grow.

Knowing When to Let Go

Not every irritation needs to be discussed—but ask yourself, can I truly let this go? If not, it’s better to talk about it calmly before frustration builds. Conflict handled with care can deepen intimacy and trust.

Getting Support When You Need It

Every couple faces challenges. If you find that your conversations aren’t leading to resolution or connection, consider seeking help from a couples therapist. Having a supportive space to talk can help you rebuild goodwill and rediscover the warmth that brought you together in the first place.

Often, the recurring issues between partners stem from deeper worries—about feeling loved, valued, or secure. Reconnecting on that emotional level can make small conflicts feel manageable again and remind you that you’re on the same team.

A strong relationship isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about staying connected through it. When you nurture your partnership, you not only strengthen your bond but also create a more loving, stable home for your children and yourselves.

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Principles for Making Joint Custody Work: Being a better Co-Parent

joint custodyParenting together after a divorce challenges the most dedicated of parents. So many feelings get stirred up while we work through the difficulties of co-parenting. The following principles can help provide guidance for parents in being their best selves following a divorce:

1. Be flexible

To the extent possible, accommodate minor custody changes needed by the other parent. Being flexible allows everyone to get their needs met. This does not mean unduly inconveniencing yourself or your child, or being a doormat for an unreasonable ex.

2. Take the high road and keep your cool

Even if you are unhappy with your ex’s behavior, take the high road. Who do you want to be? What are your modeling for your co-parent? For your kids? Avoid escalating conflict for the benefit of your child, by noticing when emotions are running high and waiting before acting on them. (Such as – have a policy of letting all emotion-laden emails rest in your “Drafts” Folder for a day before sending.)

3. Pick your battles

Consider when it is constructive to bring up concerns with your ex, and when it will cause a fight that you can’t win. Some parents can coordinate rules, agree on homework expectations, etc. But if you have a less cooperative co-parenting relationship, be realistic about what will be accomplished by a discussion and save it for when it matters. There will be times when, despite your best efforts, your ex will say “no,” won’t cooperate, won’t respond or participate. At those times, grieving that which you cannot have may be a hard but necessary road to peace of mind.

4. Whose battle is it, anyway?

When a problem arises, spend some time to determine who is the best person to solve it. If the problem is primarily between your ex and your child, support him or her in addressing it with the other parent rather than stepping in.

5. Communicate directly with your ex to the best of your ability, or directly with your children’s providers (teachers, doctors, etc.)

Communicate with your co-parent rather than passing messages through your child. Communicate in a factual, business-like manner. A voicemail or email on “switch day” can cover information about homework, medical information, current disciplinary issues, and upcoming events or needed supplies. If contact = conflict, then you can communicate with your children’s providers directly. When making requests, do so in simple and direct language. If your ex tends not to reply or to say “no,” consider in advance what you will do in these cases and whether to let them know in advance what you will do in these instances.

6. Provide both love and limits

Kids need nurturing as well as structure and stability, especially during stressful times. Maintain consistent routines, and set and enforce firm and fair rules, even when it’s hard. Consistency helps children feel secure. Age-appropriate responsibilities build life skills and empower kids to find solutions.

7. Make it easy for your child to have what he/she needs

To the extent possible, have everything your child needs at both homes, rather than expecting your child to transport what he/she needs. Schools will provide extra copies of textbooks for their second home. Kids should have age-appropriate responsibility for managing their belongings among two homes.

There are no simple solutions when it comes to the long, hard road of parenting after divorce. It is so important that you make space for all the emotions that are triggered by interacting with your ex-partner. Getting support from friends, family or a therapist can make the path an easier one. Making an effort to apply these principles, and having compassion for yourself when you inevitably fall short of complete success, is a step toward successful co-parenting.

This article was written by Meri Levy, M.A., MFT and Lena Glaser, M.A.

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People-Pleasing Moms: At Risk

Sad new mom holding baby - people-pleasing momsOne of the common themes I come across when working with mothers experiencing depression and anxiety is perfectionism and people-pleasing. Moms get worn out when they are trying to make everyone happy all the time.

There are often good reasons for a tendency to be over-responsible for the feelings of others. Many of us come from families where there was an unspoken expectation that a child must be “good,” because one or both parents were unable to tolerate the challenge of even normal childhood misbehavior. Or sometimes, children develop an unconscious habit of caretaking for others as a way to get their own needs met.

Read the Article

Take a test to see if you have Prenatal or Postpartum Depression

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Letting Go of Parent Guilt

pregnant mom sonThere is no guilt quite like the guilt of a parent. We feel so uniquely responsible for the care of our children. Every lapse in our parenting weighs on us.

Throughout life there are always reasons to feel guilty: the call we forgot to return or the birthday card we forgot to send, or the time we snapped at our partner for no good reason. But when we feel we have failed with our child, this guilt weighs even heavier on our minds.

Guilt is an emotion with a conscience — it helps us try to do our best, and it reminds us of what is important to us. But too much guilt can rob us of enjoyment. And as a parent, there is so much to feel guilty about! If we dote on our child, there’s the house, friends, partner or even job to feel guilty about, and if we try to meet our other obligations, it is easy to feel that you have failed as a parent. It’s a Catch-22!

I wonder sometimes if our parents felt as guilty as we do, or if it is unique to our generation to expect so much from ourselves. And guilt in itself is purposeless. It doesn’t help anyone, but only makes it more difficult to do our best.

When you are feeling guilty, it is important to look at this feeling from some emotional distance, seeing it objectively instead of being its victim. Decide whether your sense of guilt is justified. Sometimes sharing your feelings with a fellow parent can help you sort out what is legitimate and what is perfectionism.

When you feel that you have truly let someone down, it is important to do what you can to make it right. Apologize to the friend you neglected, or the partner or child you yelled at. Try to learn from your guilt to change your priorities and do things differently. Then let the guilt go.

When the guilt is baseless, or unavoidable, like when you feel guilty for a feeling you have, or because you cannot do more than you are capable of, then you need to practice using your “interior parent” to counter those feelings.

If you had a beloved friend who told you she felt terrible because the baby cried while she was on a much-needed outing with her partner, what would you tell her? Probably you would reassure her that she is a wonderful mother, and that she must nurture herself and her relationship in order to be the best mother she can be. You would tell her she has nothing to feel guilty about, and you would also empathize with her pain. This is the role you must also play with yourself.

Listen to your own thoughts, and when they are self-defeating or judgmental, respond to yourself the way you would to a loved one — being a good parent to yourself is part of being a good, loving and joyful parent to your children.

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Does Your Personality Style Put You at Risk for Postpartum Depression?

mother baby

By Meri Levy, MA, MFT

What are the risk factors for Postpartum Depression and anxiety? Can your personality contribute to your risk? Check out this article of mine, published on www.GoodTherapy.org.

Take a test to see if you have Prenatal or Postpartum Depression

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Returning to Work After Parental Leave

By Meri Levy, MFT

Regardless of what you decided about working after the birth of your baby, facing the reality of going back to work or staying at home once the baby is born can be a very stressful time. Many moms, even those who were certain that they wanted to return to work after their maternity leave, have very conflicting feelings about the reality of returning to work. And some moms who always planned on staying home after having children face unexpected emotional challenges in facing the reality of looking toward a future at home full-time with their child.

What is hard to anticipate when considering the decision to work or stay at home before the baby is born is how big a loss either decision represents. For moms returning to work, it is common to feel:

  • An enormous sense of loss associated with leaving your baby in another’s care
  • A concern that her child will be irreparably harmed by the separation from you
  • Anxiety about being away from your baby and having your baby’s care outside of your control
  • An unexpectedly strong desire to quit your job and stay home with your baby
  • Guilt associated with having a desire to return to work or resentment at having to go back to work
  • A feeling that you must rush through your workday to return to your baby as quickly as possible, for fear your baby will forget you, or you will miss important moments.

For moms choosing to stay at home, it is common to feel:

  • An unexpected sense of loss associated with no longer receiving the validation of purpose that is so often gained by outside work and receiving a paycheck
  • A sense of vulnerability associated with being dependent upon their partner’s income
  • Guilt associated with conflicting feelings about leaving the work world
  • Boredom with the tasks of mothering and loneliness, especially in the early months before the baby becomes more interactive and you find activities you enjoy with your baby
  • Loneliness and isolation associated with being at home with a small baby, especially before you connect with other new mothers at home with their babies.

These feelings can be very confusing, and new moms often struggle with the decision regardless of what their prior plans were. As a new mom, your entire world has changed, your priorities have shifted, and your now occupies a huge place in your heart. It can be a struggle to align the new role of motherhood with the values you previously held. Many moms change course and decide to stay home despite having planned to return to work, or choose to go back to work full or part-time despite planning to remain at home. Financial considerations play a big role in this decision, as does the developing relationship with your baby, your own clarification of your needs and wants, and your relationship with your partner.

Many mothers seek therapy during this time. Getting help to clarify your feelings about returning to work, exploring alternative work arrangements or more flexible careers, and getting validation for your choices can make this difficult time of transition go smoother. Whether you ultimately decide to stay at home for now or return to work, making decisions from a place of self-compassion, and understanding that there is no one “right” answer can allow you the freedom to honor who you are and who you are becoming.

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My Journey Through Postpartum Depression and Panic Disorder

Whenever I talk about the symptoms of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, I always include “unusual physical symptoms.” What does that mean? It means that any new physical symptoms that begin during pregnancy and postpartum can be related to mental health.

My own experience with postpartum depression and anxiety was quite atypical, and that was partly why I suffered for months before receiving the proper diagnosis and treatment.

I had lots of risk factors for postpartum depression: a previous bout of depression, the sudden loss of my mother only a few years before, a previous birth trauma, an unsupportive marriage, and breastfeeding difficulties. But even though I had suffered from depression before, after the death of my mother, my postpartum symptoms were not recognizable to me.

I did OK after my first child was born, although it was a difficult time for me. But after my second child, my stress level was off the charts. My older son was kicked out of two day care programs because he wouldn’t use the potty (he regressed after his brother was born). I never made enough milk for the new baby because of my stress level and because he was so big (born almost 10lbs) , and he refused to nurse completely as soon as he started solid foods. I felt guilty about “failing” at breastfeeding, and I was also afraid that I would not be able to go back to work after maternity leave because I couldn’t find daycare that would take my challenging and potty-resistant older son.

In the meantime, I had difficulties in my marriage. My husband worked long hours, and when he was there he criticized my parenting style, my cooking, and my housekeeping. Even our challenging preschooler was my fault! I was trying my best to make everyone happy, but I was clearly failing.

During this time, I started to have odd physical symptoms. I started feeling that the room was tilting and that I was off-balance. I had to lie down and felt the room was spinning around me. My doctor thought it was either an inner-ear infection or possibly Multiple Sclerosis, and I was sent for neurological testing. The tests came back normal, although MS couldn’t be ruled out (a bonus for my anxiety, of course!).

My symptoms came and went, and then began to include nausea and vomiting along with the dizziness, a complete lack of appetite, and an inability to sleep. I had a low-grade fever on and off for a couple of months and my white blood-cell count was high. I lost 16 pounds beyond the baby weight, slept about three to four hours a night, and threw up regularly — out the door of the car, in the sink at the pediatrician’s office, etc. I felt that my body was swaying even when I was perfectly still, and my bed felt like it was shaking as I lay in it trying to sleep. My skin felt prickly, my chest burned and my hands tingled. The dizziness made watching TV or reading impossible, and walking or driving became difficult. I felt sure that I was dying.

My doctor considered an inner ear problem, hormones, diabetes, thyroid issues, and even encephalitis, but every test came back normal. I was living on Ensure and Gatorade, because I couldn’t keep any solid food down. The stress of caring for my children became unbearable, so we hired a babysitter and I spent most of every day lying in bed, praying to fall asleep for a couple of hours to get some rest. I was prescribed Ativan, but it just knocked me out for an hour or two and I would wake up feeling even worse than before.

After about four months, I fell apart completely and told my doctor that he had to hospitalize me because I was dying, and at that point I wanted to die if they couldn’t stop the misery I was living in. I was admitted to a psychiatric inpatient unit, but my doctor was still sending me around to specialists, trying to figure out what was physically wrong with me.

I stopped vomiting as soon as I was admitted to the hospital. That was when I realized that whatever was going on with me had to do with stress. I spent 12 days in the hospital, during which time I started taking antidepressants and was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication that allowed me to sleep. For a few days, all I did was sleep. When I was awake I was no longer nauseous, but I was filled with unbearable emotional pain. I was terrified that I would never be able to care for my children without getting sick. I felt like the worst mother in the world.

After I was released from the hospital I did a full-day partial hospitalization program for a month, which gave me time for the antidepressant to start working and allowed me to take care of myself for a change. I learned in group therapy about the ways in which I had prioritized my responsibility for others way above self-care, in unhealthy and unhelpful ways, and I began to heal. With the help of medication, therapy, and later couples counseling, I recovered. I still had anxiety at times, but I also had joy and passion for life. I became a lactation educator, started a small business helping other new moms, and led new parent support groups for several years. Eight years later I went back to school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist.

I still have to be vigilant about managing stress and maintaining good self-care. I tell myself that this is the “gift” of being prone to depression and anxiety: I don’t have the luxury of tolerating a great deal of stress like some people seem to do, or living life in a way that generally makes me unhappy. I am obligated to do work that I love, to have a healthy relationship with my husband, and to prioritize joy, peace and comfort as well as caring for my family. I know that I always have to be mindful to avoid a recurrence of depression, but I also know that I am strong and resilient and will do whatever I have to do to be healthy and take good care of myself and my children.

My mental health issues began when my second child was seven months old, and yet no one ever considered a postpartum condition. My symptoms were fully consistent with panic disorder and depression, and yet my doctor and my therapist (yes, a trained therapist!) never considered these diagnoses. My hope is that in the future, mothers and their caregivers become better educated to recognize perinatal mood and anxiety disorders so that they can be treated early and mothers can return to enjoying their lives again.

  • If you need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
  • If you are looking for pregnancy or postpartum support and local resources, please call or email Postpartum Support International:

Call PSI Warmline (English & Spanish) 1-800-944-4PPD (4773)
Email support@postpartum.net

Take a test to see if you have Prenatal or Postpartum Depression

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Statement of Anti-Discrimination and Land Acknowledgment

As a psychotherapist that works with families from all ethnic and racial backgrounds as well as other marginalized groups, I want to affirm that I stand with our Black community and families of color, as well as LGBTQ+ people.

Through my work and life, I commit to doing my part to bring awareness to and dismantle systemic racism, sexism, homophobia, and transphobia, as well as other forms of discrimination and othering. As a straight, white cisgender woman, I recognize that I have been the recipient of unacknowledged and unearned privilege. I explicitly and publicly affirm my identity as an ally and commit to doing my own work to acknowledge and address racism, sexism, homophobia, and transphobia when I encounter them.

I recognize that discrimination also significantly affects the mental health and well-being of people of different faiths, those with disabilities, those with mental illness, and those who face weight stigma. In my life and in my psychotherapy practice, I am committed to addressing the impacts of discrimination with my clients and to taking a social-justice-oriented approach.

My home and office are on land formerly occupied by the Saklan tribe of the Bay Miwok people. I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen land and commit to continue to learn about and advocate for social justice for native people.

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Notice of Privacy Practices

THIS NOTICE DESCRIBES HOW HEALTH INFORMATION MAY BE USED AND DISCLOSED AND HOW YOU CAN GET ACCESS TO THIS INFORMATION. PLEASE REVIEW IT CAREFULLY.

I. MY PLEDGE REGARDING HEALTH INFORMATION:
I understand that health information about you and your health care is personal. I am committed to protecting health information about you. I create a record of the care and services you receive from me. I need this record to provide you with quality care and to comply with certain legal requirements. This notice applies to all of the records of your care generated by this mental health care practice. This notice will tell you about the ways in which I may use and disclose health information about you. I also describe your rights to the health information I keep about you, and describe certain obligations I have regarding the use and disclosure of your health information. I am required by law to:

  • Make sure that protected health information (“PHI”) that identifies you is kept private.
  • Give you this notice of my legal duties and privacy practices with respect to health information.
  • Follow the terms of the notice that is currently in effect.
  • I can change the terms of this Notice, and such changes will apply to all information I have about you. The new Notice will be available upon request, in my office, and on my website.

II. HOW I MAY USE AND DISCLOSE HEALTH INFORMATION ABOUT YOU:
The following categories describe different ways that I use and disclose health information. For each category of uses or disclosures I will explain what I mean and try to give some examples. Not every use or disclosure in a category will be listed. However, all of the ways I am permitted to use and disclose information will fall within one of the categories.

For Treatment, Payment, or Health Care Operations: Federal privacy rules (regulations) allow health care providers who have direct treatment relationship with the patient/client to use or disclose the patient/client’s personal health information without the patient’s written authorization, to carry out the health care provider’s own treatment, payment or health care operations. I may also disclose your protected health information for the treatment activities of any health care provider. This too can be done without your written authorization. For example, if a clinician were to consult with another licensed health care provider about your condition, we would be permitted to use and disclose your person health information, which is otherwise confidential, in order to assist the clinician in diagnosis and treatment of your mental health condition. Disclosure of confidential information may also be required by your health insurance carrier or HMO/PPO/MCO/EAP in order to process claims. If your therapy sessions are covered by insurance, or if you seek reimbursement from your insurance, your treatment records may be disclosed.

Disclosures for treatment purposes are not limited to the minimum necessary standard. Because therapists and other health care providers need access to the full record and/or full and complete information in order to provide quality care. The word “treatment” includes, among other things, the coordination and management of health care providers with a third party, consultations between health care providers and referrals of a patient for health care from one health care provider to another.

Lawsuits and Disputes: If you are involved in a lawsuit, I may disclose health information in response to a court or administrative order. I may also disclose health information about your child in response to a subpoena, discovery request, or other lawful process by someone else involved in the dispute, but only if efforts have been made to tell you about the request or to obtain an order protecting the information requested.

III. CERTAIN USES AND DISCLOSURES REQUIRE YOUR AUTHORIZATION:

Marketing Purposes. As a psychotherapist, I will not use or disclose your PHI for marketing purposes.

Sale of PHI. As a psychotherapist, I will not sell your PHI in the regular course of my business.

IV. CERTAIN USES AND DISCLOSURES DO NOT REQUIRE YOUR AUTHORIZATION. Subject to certain limitations in the law, I can use and disclose your PHI without your Authorization for the following reasons:

When disclosure is required by state or federal law, and the use or disclosure complies with and is limited to the relevant requirements of such law.

For public health activities, including reporting suspected child, elder, or dependent adult abuse, or preventing or reducing a serious threat to anyone’s health or safety.

For health oversight activities, including audits and investigations.

For judicial and administrative proceedings, including responding to a court or administrative order, although my preference is to obtain an Authorization from you before doing so.

For law enforcement purposes, including reporting crimes occurring on my premises.

To coroners or medical examiners, when such individuals are performing duties authorized by law.

For research purposes, including studying and comparing the mental health of patients who received one form of therapy versus those who received another form of therapy for the same condition.

Specialized government functions, including, ensuring the proper execution of military missions; protecting the President of the United States; conducting intelligence or counter-intelligence operations; or, helping to ensure the safety of those working within or housed in correctional institutions.

For workers’ compensation purposes. Although my preference is to obtain an Authorization from you, I may provide your PHI in order to comply with workers’ compensation laws.

Appointment reminders and health related benefits or services. I may use and disclose your PHI to contact you to remind you that you have an appointment with me. I may also use and disclose your PHI to tell you about treatment alternatives, or other health care services or benefits that I offer.

V. CERTAIN USES AND DISCLOSURES REQUIRE YOU TO HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO OBJECT.

Disclosures to family, friends, or others. I may provide your PHI to a family member, friend, or other person that you indicate is involved in your care or the payment for your health care, unless you object in whole or in part. The opportunity to consent may be obtained retroactively in emergency situations.

VI. YOU HAVE THE FOLLOWING RIGHTS WITH RESPECT TO YOUR PHI:

The Right to Request Limits on Uses and Disclosures of Your PHI. You have the right to ask me not to use or disclose certain PHI for treatment, payment, or health care operations purposes. I am not required to agree to your request, and I may say “no” if I believe it would affect your health care.

The Right to Request Restrictions for Out-of-Pocket Expenses Paid for In Full. You have the right to request restrictions on disclosures of your PHI to health plans for payment or health care operations purposes if the PHI pertains solely to a health care item or a health care service that you have paid for out-of-pocket in full.

The Right to Choose How I Send PHI to You. You have the right to ask me to contact you in a specific way (for example, home or office phone) or to send mail to a different address, and I will agree to all reasonable requests.

The Right to See and Get Copies of Your PHI. Other than “psychotherapy notes,” you have the right to get an electronic or paper copy of your medical record and other information that I have about you. I will provide you with a copy of your record, or a summary of it, if you agree to receive a summary, within 30 days of receiving your written request, and I may charge a reasonable, cost based fee for doing so.

The Right to Get a List of the Disclosures I Have Made.You have the right to request a list of instances in which I have disclosed your PHI for purposes other than treatment, payment, or health care operations, or for which you provided me with an Authorization. I will respond to your request for an accounting of disclosures within 60 days of receiving your request. The list I will give you will include disclosures made in the last six years unless you request a shorter time. I will provide the list to you at no charge, but if you make more than one request in the same year, I will charge you a reasonable cost based fee for each additional request.

The Right to Correct or Update Your PHI. If you believe that there is a mistake in your PHI, or that a piece of important information is missing from your PHI, you have the right to request that I correct the existing information or add the missing information. I may say “no” to your request, but I will tell you why in writing within 60 days of receiving your request.

The Right to Get a Paper or Electronic Copy of this Notice. You have the right get a paper copy of this Notice, and you have the right to get a copy of this notice by e-mail. And, even if you have agreed to receive this Notice via e-mail, you also have the right to request a paper copy of it.

EFFECTIVE DATE OF THIS NOTICE

This notice went into effect on September 20, 2013

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