“There are so many things we benefit from learning to let go of as parents—comparing our children to others, expecting them to be the people we imagined they would be, attempting to be a perfect housekeeper/caregiver/playmate/chef/lover (insert unrealistic expectation here), and, on some days, even expecting to take a shower!” Read More…
An article I wrote for the GoodTherapy.org blog. The important take-away: depression is a serious illness. Mild to moderate depression often can be treated through psychotherapy and improved relationships and self-care. But if you need medication to recover, it’s still important to get better however you need to.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/can-depression-be-cured-without-medication-1117144
What is it exactly that makes a committed relationship work, after kids come into the picture? It’s maintaining a loving and safe connection that allows new parents to weather the storms of raising kids with their relationship intact.
If you want to maintain a good marriage, your relationship with your partner has to come first. Most of us have to work to earn a living, and some of us even enjoy our work. And we all have to take good care of our children. But if your partner always comes last, even a good relationship may fail, which will impact both your children and your financial future. A committed partnership takes love, commitment and hard work, and it’s a rare one that can stand many years of neglect.
Most of us want to be the best parents we can. But we don’t always remember that keeping our relationship happy is one of the most important things we can do for our children’s well-being. This means finding a way to spend time together away from the kids, as well as doing things together as a family. It also means keeping your sex life alive and kicking, whatever that takes. And it means working through your relationship difficulties and finding a way to connect and create time for your relationship despite whatever else is going on. It also requires that you accept your partner as a human being and a parent, as imperfect as they may be. Studies show that children fare much better in a family in which the parents’ relationship is solid, even if the parents do an imperfect job.
Communication is crucial. In the short run, it is always easier to bury resentments and avoid conflict. But in the long run, resentments build up and fester – killing intimacy and poisoning your sexual relationship. Learning how to communicate clearly and connect on an emotional level while remaining responsible for your own feelings and reactions can save your relationship.
For example, if your partner spends time caring for the baby and you’re annoyed that you find him sitting in front of the TV watching football, take a minute to think about how you want to respond. Angrily attacking him for not being engaged with the baby will only drive a wedge between you. On the other hand, biting your lip may be even worse, if it will lead to you feeling resentful and unloving toward your mate. If, after letting yourself cool down, you find that you are still resentful about it, one way to start a conversation is by saying something like: “I know you have had a hard day and you enjoy watching football to unwind. And your time with the baby is yours, so I don’t want to tell you how to do it. But I can’t help feeling resentful, after spending the day entertaining and caring for the baby, when I see you watching TV rather than playing with her.”
It may be that this discussion will involve some conflict, and your partner may express anger. But he also might acknowledge that he is at a loss for how to interact with the baby, or that he feels inadequate or inexperienced with parenting a baby. And you might express your concerns about exposing the baby to TV, and your desire for both of you to be good parents, while acknowledging that a football game probably won’t ruin your child for life.
After such a discussion, you might find that you don’t feel angry anymore. You may understand where your partner is coming from and recognize that the baby will survive some football-watching with Dad. Or, the discussing may spark the idea of giving Dad more time with the baby to improve his confidence. But either way, your feelings of resentment will be less if you work through the issues and understand each others’ feelings.
This is not to say that there are never times when it pays to let something go rather than discussing it with your partner. But the important question to ask yourself is: “will I truly be able to let this go?” If the answer is no, then you have to talk about it, preferably when you are both feeling calm, so you can move past the feelings of resentment and reconnect with your partner.
Remember that there is no intimate relationship that can remain loving without dealing with some conflict. Expressing feelings in a sensitive way is how you grow closer and resolve difficult situations. If you find that these discussions are unproductive, get the help of a qualified couples’ counselor sooner rather than later, so there is enough good will between the two of you to work on making the relationship better.
Often, the issues that keep coming up between you two mask fears and anxieties about the safety and security of your relationship. Reestablishing that bond can make all the difference in resolving the little conflicts that arise and maintaining a strong, healthy bond with your mate.
An article I wrote for GoodTherapy.org about psychiatric medications in pregnancy, in response to the recent biased article in the New York Times Health Blog (9/1/14). Read the article.
Take a test to see if you have Prenatal or Postpartum Depression
You know the feeling when it starts: an unpleasant burning in your chest or abdomen, a feeling of cold on the back of your neck, tingling in your arms, or tightness in the back of your throat. Anxiety is a physical phenomenon. Many of us are unaware of the specific physical sensations associated with our anxiety, but it sends a signal to our brain that we are in danger. On its own, anxiety tends to pass quickly and without much ado. It is the way we attribute meaning to the sensations in our body that causes anxiety to feel unbearable and to stick around. We interpret our anxiety as being “out of control.” We look to our environment for signals that we really are in danger, either physically or emotionally. And we beat ourselves up for feeling anxious, telling ourselves “What is wrong with me?” “Why can’t I feel calm?” And even worse, “I can’t tolerate feeling this way.”
But in reality, we can tolerate anxiety. By tolerating it and observing its physical manifestations, we rob it of its power over us. And over time, anxiety will diminish if we refuse to escalate it by letting it take over our thoughts.
Mindfulness is one of the most powerful tools for coping with and transforming anxiety. While it may feel like WE ARE anxious, bringing awareness to our body and choosing to focus on the specific physical sensations we are experiencing allows us to see that we are the observer of anxiety, not its victim. We can choose to halt self-defeating thoughts by returning awareness to our body and reminding ourselves “Anxiety cannot hurt me. It is only a feeling, and it is temporary. I am in control of myself. I can choose to be aware of the anxiety without letting it take over my thoughts.”
Practice doing mindfulness exercises such as this one when you are not feeling particularly anxious, as a way of being ready for anxiety when it comes. Learning to focus your full attention on your body rather than your thoughts takes some practice, but only five minutes a day can make a huge difference in reducing anxiety and helping you cope with it when it comes.
Anxiety is often associated with depression, even if the depression is not severe. Taking steps to address negative patterns of thinking, grieving losses, and learning to take better care of ourselves physically and emotionally is another important step in dealing with anxiety. If you need help to learn to identify and challenge negative thoughts, work through with past trauma or loss, or learn to improve your self-care and relationships, finding a therapist you trust is a great place to start.
Parenting together after a divorce challenges the most dedicated of parents. So many feelings get stirred up while we work through the difficulties of co-parenting. The following principles can help provide guidance for parents in being their best selves following a divorce:
1. Be flexible
To the extent possible, accommodate minor custody changes needed by the other parent. Being flexible allows everyone to get their needs met. This does not mean unduly inconveniencing yourself or your child, or being a doormat for an unreasonable ex.
2. Take the high road and keep your cool
Even if you are unhappy with your ex’s behavior, take the high road. Who do you want to be? What are your modeling for your co-parent? For your kids? Avoid escalating conflict for the benefit of your child, by noticing when emotions are running high and waiting before acting on them. (Such as – have a policy of letting all emotion-laden emails rest in your “Drafts” Folder for a day before sending.)
3. Pick your battles
Consider when it is constructive to bring up concerns with your ex, and when it will cause a fight that you can’t win. Some parents can coordinate rules, agree on homework expectations, etc. But if you have a less cooperative co-parenting relationship, be realistic about what will be accomplished by a discussion and save it for when it matters. There will be times when, despite your best efforts, your ex will say “no,” won’t cooperate, won’t respond or participate. At those times, grieving that which you cannot have may be a hard but necessary road to peace of mind.
4. Whose battle is it, anyway?
When a problem arises, spend some time to determine who is the best person to solve it. If the problem is primarily between your ex and your child, support him or her in addressing it with the other parent rather than stepping in.
5. Communicate directly with your ex to the best of your ability, or directly with your children’s providers (teachers, doctors, etc.)
Communicate with your co-parent rather than passing messages through your child. Communicate in a factual, business-like manner. A voicemail or email on “switch day” can cover information about homework, medical information, current disciplinary issues, and upcoming events or needed supplies. If contact = conflict, then you can communicate with your children’s providers directly. When making requests, do so in simple and direct language. If your ex tends not to reply or to say “no,” consider in advance what you will do in these cases and whether to let them know in advance what you will do in these instances.
6. Provide both love and limits
Kids need nurturing as well as structure and stability, especially during stressful times. Maintain consistent routines, and set and enforce firm and fair rules, even when it’s hard. Consistency helps children feel secure. Age-appropriate responsibilities build life skills and empower kids to find solutions.
7. Make it easy for your child to have what he/she needs
To the extent possible, have everything your child needs at both homes, rather than expecting your child to transport what he/she needs. Schools will provide extra copies of textbooks for their second home. Kids should have age-appropriate responsibility for managing their belongings among two homes.
There are no simple solutions when it comes to the long, hard road of parenting after divorce. It is so important that you make space for all the emotions that are triggered by interacting with your ex-partner. Getting support from friends, family or a therapist can make the path an easier one. Making an effort to apply these principles, and having compassion for yourself when you inevitably fall short of complete success, is a step toward successful co-parenting.
This article was written by Meri Levy, M.A., MFT and Lena Glaser, M.A.