Tag Archives: mindfulness

Coping with Anxiety Using Mindfulness

anxiety

You know the feeling when it starts: an unpleasant burning in your chest or abdomen, a feeling of cold on the back of your neck, tingling in your arms, or tightness in the back of your throat. Anxiety is a physical phenomenon.

Many of us are unaware of the specific physical sensations associated with our anxiety, but it sends a signal to our brain that we are in danger. On its own, anxiety tends to pass quickly and without much ado. It is the way we attribute meaning to the sensations in our body that causes anxiety to feel unbearable and to stick around. We interpret our anxiety as being “out of control.” We look to our environment or our thoughts for signals that we really are in danger, either physically or emotionally. And we beat ourselves up for feeling anxious, telling ourselves “What is wrong with me?” “Why can’t I feel calm?” And even worse, “I can’t tolerate feeling this way.”

But in reality, we can tolerate anxiety. By tolerating it and observing, without fear, and without judgment, its physical manifestations, we rob it of its power over us. And over time, anxiety will diminish if we refuse to escalate it by letting it take over our thoughts and our decisions. The quickest path to diminishing anxiety is to accept it and not to catastrophize about it or let it make our lives smaller.

Mindfulness is one of the most powerful tools for coping with and transforming anxiety. While it may feel like WE ARE anxious, bringing awareness to our body and choosing to focus on the specific physical sensations we are experiencing allows us to see that we are the observer of anxiety, not its victim. We can choose to halt self-defeating thoughts by returning awareness to our body and reminding ourselves “Anxiety cannot hurt me. It is only a feeling, and it is temporary. I am in control of myself. I can choose to be aware of the anxiety without letting it take over my thoughts.”

Practice doing mindfulness exercises such as this one when you are not feeling particularly anxious, as a way of being ready for anxiety when it comes. Learning to focus your full attention on your body rather than your thoughts takes some practice, but only five minutes a day can make a huge difference in reducing anxiety and helping you cope with it when it comes.

Anxiety is often associated with depression, even if the depression is not severe. Taking steps to address negative patterns of thinking, grieving losses, and learning to take better care of ourselves physically and emotionally is another important step in dealing with anxiety. If you need help to learn to identify and challenge negative thoughts, work through with past trauma or loss, or learn to improve your self-care and relationships, finding a therapist you trust is a great place to start.

The Mindful Parent: Learning How to Let Go

balloons

There are so many things we benefit from learning to let go of as parents — comparing our child or our home to others’, expecting our child to become the exact person we imagined, attempting to be a perfect housekeeper/caregiver/playmate/chef/lover (insert unrealistic expectation here), and on some days, even expecting to take a shower!

How do we do it? Often I hear from clients that this is one of the most difficult parts of being a parent — letting go of control and the need for things to be perfect. We hold on so tightly, imagining that this holding on is the only thing keeping everything from falling apart, or keeping us from falling apart. And yet it is often this unrealistic desire for control that causes us (and then inevitably, things) to fall apart.

What it comes down to, in my view, is the belief that we live in a friendly universe. Whether it’s objectively true or not is irrelevant. We benefit from cultivating the belief that things are OK. That we and the people we love are OK. That even when things are not OK, it’s still OK.

Our need for control is rooted in a fear that is far greater than the things we fear. We imagine that if we don’t clean up the house, not only will the house be messy, but it feels like the world will end. We fear that if we don’t wash our child’s hands, not only may she get sick, but we won’t be able to cope. If our child falls behind in development, we imagine not just a delay, but a ruined future. Often, the worst thing that can happen is far less terrible than the tragedy we imagine will happen if we loosen our grip.

Cultivating mindfulness is a wonderful strategy for learning to let go. Being able to notice and observe what is happening in the present moment—our body sensations, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and surroundings—without analyzing or judging them as good or bad, helps us tap into the feeling that things are OK. It’s easy to find five-minute mindfulness exercises online that are a good first step toward developing the ability to be present and aware of the thoughts and beliefs that pull us away from acceptance.

When practicing mindfulness, you will have thoughts that come and go. Sometimes you’ll think, “I’m not doing this right,” or get caught up in whatever arises. Observing your thoughts without judgment is the practice. Imagine your thoughts as leaves floating along the surface of a stream. Even if one catches your attention, it keeps drifting by, and you can return to noticing what is happening within and around you. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions without labeling them as good or bad allows them to move through you and pass in their own time.

In daily life, the ability to be mindful strengthens the ability to let go. When you get caught up in “shoulds,” or find yourself trying to control things you truly want to release, imagine your thoughts as a train passing by. You can watch the train, but you don’t have to get on. Not boarding the train means not believing every thought, not analyzing it, not judging it, and not spiraling into conclusions like “this thought is going to ruin my day.” Let the train pass and notice the scenery around you. What you notice in the moment—however challenging—is really OK.

Letting go doesn’t mean lowering your standards or giving up on what matters. It means trusting that you don’t have to hold everything together by sheer force. It means remembering that your child doesn’t need a perfect parent—just a present, human one. Each moment you loosen your grip, even slightly, you make space for ease, joy, humor, creativity, and connection. You make space for the life you’re building with your child to unfold naturally, with room for surprises and moments of grace.

Letting go isn’t a loss of control; it’s a quiet gain of freedom. And you deserve that freedom every bit as much as your child deserves your love.